From the Donkey's Lips

Skipper Dan - Another Weird Al Video

2009-07-14T20:47:00.003-06:00

I just watched this new video. It is an original and pretty good. I like the chorus and the song is kinda funny. It sounds kinda like Weezer.

New Weird Al Video: Craigslist

2009-06-16T11:39:00.002-06:00

Hey dudes. Check out this new video. Weird Al uses a style similar to The Doors.

Humiliation, Mary Jane, and a new Baby!

2009-05-25T13:13:00.000-06:00

The line of communication between my source and me is officially open again. Here are a couple of tidbits:

Turns out P-ronis showed up to work today at 6:45am. He was supposed to be there at 6:00am, but he slept in. He raced to work only to find out that he was 6 hours early. To add insult to injury, he forgot his badge and couldn’t get into the building. Frantically, he called Chris and continually asked, “What should I do? No one is here. What should I do?” Apparently this is all somehow Hollywood Tom’s fault. “He did this to me,” P-ronis said. “He never told me when I had to come to work.” A related story also indicates that Hollywood Tom also forgot to tell P-ronis when he had to wipe – more to come on that. A fund has been created to help collect donations for a giant sized clock that P-ronis can wear around his neck.
Early sources also indicate that one P-nut is harvesting a littly wacky tabacky in California and selling it to pharmacies. When asked to comment on the situation, she indicated that this is indeed true. “I like heard that if you grow it and then trim a little off the top and sell it you can make a lot of money.” Experts are analyzing her response to determine if she misheard the question or if she is collaborating on a new song with Lady Gaga.
Finally, the biggest news to hit the wire is a report indicating that a new nephew or niece is on the way. Speculations are swirling, but betting lines are placing 2-1 odds on the King himself, 4-1 odds on Mustachio, and 6-1 odds on none other than the Goat. Asked whether or not this rumor could apply to him, the Goat responded, “No waaaaaaay!”

Wii Play - Tanks

2009-03-15T16:35:00.003-06:00

I have always thought that level 20 was the last level in Tanks, but two weeks ago I was presented with level 21, and then 22, and 23. It was crazy. Yesterday I played and got to level 50. I only had one guy, and my finger slipped off the remote, so I died instantly. The other tanks were blank and shot fast missiles. Did you guys know about this? I am too lazy to find out what the final level is - maybe one of you can tell us.

Melonoma - Another Medical Discovery

2009-03-07T18:52:00.002-07:00

I know some people have been wondering what condition P-ronis has, and I am glad to announce that I have had yet another medical breakthrough. I call it Melonoma, not to be confused with Melanoma. Feel free to brush up on your medical knowledge by reading below.

Melonoma (pronounced 'melon' oma): a condition causing an unusually large head typically shaped like a large fuzzy melon. Those with this condition also typically have the intelligence of a melon.

Melanoma (prnounced mel'a'noma): a malignant tumor of melanocytes which are found predominantly in skin but also in the bowel and the eye.

As with Asburger's, the AMA does not currently recognize Melonoma as a disease, but we all know it when we see it.

Honeymooners Reunited At Last

2009-01-06T20:26:00.002-07:00

Pepperoni Pecks and Cactus Jack finally arrived in Salt Lake. I was able to eat lunch with them today and realized how crazy it is that the two of them are going to try living together again. Let's each guess how long they will live each other before Homer gets kicked out.

Asberger's or Asperger's? Neither. It's Asburger's

2008-12-30T18:03:00.004-07:00

I am notorious for self diagnosing my symptoms, but I think I nailed my current problem. I am very confident that I have Asburger's.

People kept telling me that I don't have this - especially my wife. They say things like, "You have a few quirks, but you certainly aren't autistic." I was very confused, but after some research I realized that they were talking about Asperger's (aka Asberger's). This is a form of autism that usually results in some difficulties with social interactions.

The confusion has occurred because my ailment is pronounced the same as the autistic syndrome previously mentioned: Ass-burgers.

In an effort to clear the muddied water, I will explain the syptoms of Asburger's:

Itchy butt
Cracks in the skin of the inner crevasse
Potential bleeding
Pain when wiping
Uncomfortable to sit for long periods of time (as if you are sitting on a spicy hamburger) - hence the name

Family members shouldn't worry about me. I don't think Asburger's is lifethreatening; it's just a little inconvenient.

This not only clears my good name, but I think it might be a successful diagnosis for others who suffer from similar symptoms which have gone undiagnosed.

(NOTE: Don't bother looking online for Asburger's or asking your doctor about it. The AMA doesn't formally recognize Asberger's at this time.)

A Bald Guy's Christmas Present List

2008-12-14T13:59:00.002-07:00

Cactus Jack was upset at the last present list I posted. We had a talk and here is a list of the Christmas presents he is hoping for:

A wooden stick – this isn’t for him to use as he beats other drivers who get in his way. This is for his penniless, crippled neighbor 'Tim.'
A friend – we aren’t looking for a hot blonde. We need someone to assist him at the soup kitchen on Christmas day. You remember, he does this every year.
A 12-pack – of books of Book of Mormon (he has already handed out 23 in November alone.
A white shirt – not one for a wet T-shirt contest, a dress shirt. His last one got ruined when he chased down and returned a neighborhood dog as he skipped home from church.
A mask or gloves – please don’t confuse this with a ski mask or white, fingerprint protecting gloves. As coach of the inner city baseball league for youth, he has several players who could use some new equipment.
A backpack – I don’t think this needs to be explained, but he isn’t planning a shoplifting spree. He is volunteering at a local limbless children shelter and needs to carry the youngsters on his back has he hikes in the mountains.
Some hair and beard dye – He is trying to disguise himself, but don’t be fooled. The Salt Lake Coalition against poverty would like him to reprise his role as Santa on New Year’s Day.

What other presents might he like?

Robbie Is Finally Paying His Way

2008-11-12T21:20:00.002-07:00

Bad News: Robbie's medical bills are a joke. We hit our max out of pocket months ago, but we still have to pay for routine visits.

Good News: I just found out we get a handicapped parking tag since we have to lug an oxygen tank around. No more late arrivals to movie theaters for me!

Edelweiss or Analweiss?

2008-11-10T23:29:00.001-07:00

For the past few months I have been singing a song called Analweiss. All I have really done is change the word 'Edelweiss' to 'Analweiss' in the popular song from the musical Sound of Music. I think this is appropriate because I actually have an analweiss. I find this new version to be very easy on the ears and easy to sing.

The only problem is that this is the only word of the song I have changed. It gets complex as you sing the rest of the song, especially the line, "small and white, clean and bright," because some people don't have an analweiss that fits this description. And maybe you have one that fits this description one day and not the next. Like I said, it is a complex song.

May you bloom and grow forever...Analweiss, Analweiss

Bday Present Ideas For One Big Creep

2008-10-24T20:06:00.003-06:00

Did you know that Cactus J Creeptastic's bday is on November 6th? The greedy pig has asked me to publish a list of gifts he is hoping for. Please respond in the comment section with the gift you plan on purchasing so we don't get the same things. Here they are in no particular order:

Ladder
Binoculars
Flashlight
Black ski mask
Camouflage backpack
Phone Tap
Night vision goggles
Digital recording camera with 10000x optical zoom
Bionic ear (hearing device that enhances sound)
Rogaine
Levitra
50% off coupon for laser hair removal
Life supply of teeth whitening cream
6 tanning sessions (no fake rub-on tan cream please)
Oakley sunglasses

I am happy to take other recommendations too.

This Just In: 2 Wild and Crazy Guys

2008-10-13T07:51:00.002-06:00

Sources close to home have recently informed me that two young gents in NJ have recently been staying out very late with love interests. One of the young men was reportedly out until 5am while the other didn't come home until the next night. I don't want to reveal names, but I will say that there were several chewed up cans in the area and a bottle that said, "Shrink your head to normal size in 5 minutes."

International Love

2008-10-04T22:00:00.003-06:00

This just in (well, a month ago): Jubadiah Le Head has been in correspondence with a South American bambina. True love is great - unless it's gonna cost you $5 a call and 25 cents a text. So far this lover of the Lolitas has racked up over $300 in charges. This of course has infruriated Red Beard.

"I was planning on having him walk the plank, but what's the point? His head will keep him afloat anyway," the pirate said.

The good news is that he is in the middle of his first semester of Spanish. I believe the following video will help him as he tries to sweep this maraca playing beauty off her feet.

Eye For An Eye

2008-09-27T09:57:00.002-06:00

This week Robbie had his first eye exam. This is important because when babies are really early and need oxygen, the veins in their eyes can grow too rapidly. This causes the retina to rip off. The ophthalmologist and nurse told us that we might not want to be present because the exam is upsetting. I decided to stay to take a few pictures, but I must admit that it was upsetting. Here are a few pictures:
The ophthalmologist puts numbing eye drops in and then pries the baby's eyes open with a claw device. A Clockwork Orange anyone? Robbie cried so loud and sounded so sad. I decided that I should have a chance too. Well, I decided to just go with the numbing drops. The doctor allowed this and gave me a few drops. Here I am:

It felt pretty weird, but it wasn't as cool as I thought. The nurse said she had never had a request like this in 12 years and thought I was a little strange. Wait until we get to baby enemas! By the way, Robbie's eyes look really good. The doctor said they were better than most he looked at that day.

Devil In Disguise

2008-09-24T07:43:00.002-06:00

We went to Tommy's parent-teacher conference last week and he stopped to show us his locker.
I was wondering why he kept making this face in front of his locker, but then I saw his locker number.It's a little fuzzy, but his locker number is 666. Like I always say, "Dig a little deeper and things typically make sense."

Cool or Uncool: Watching Guys Eat Ice Cream

2008-09-10T08:50:00.002-06:00

Uncool

Two male co-workers and I got ice cream cones on the way back from lunch the other day. As we ate the ice cream, we realized that it was painfully uncomfortable to watch each other eat the ice cream.

Sausages and Apple Juice...

2008-08-03T21:42:00.003-06:00

...Tommy's latest description of what he did in the toilet during his last bathroom visit.

Michael responded, "No, it's beef jerky and peanut butter."

By the way, you only have until 11pm (Monday the 4th) to sign up for the wifeadvice giveaway. Click here to go to the post.

25 Top High School Movies Of All Time

2008-08-02T07:37:00.002-06:00

It was not surprise that The Breakfast Club topped Entertainment Weekly's list, but I was shocked that 3 O'clock High didn't make the list at all. It wasn't a commercial success, but it certainly should have it's place. Better Off Dead was another great movie that didn't make the list. You can click through to see the entire list here.

Here's a great quote from a classic movie that got snubbed:
Tell all your little friends there's no escape from the Duker.

Mono-grossiosis

2008-06-24T22:30:00.002-06:00

Sources confirmed today that P-ronis has contracted mono. Lab results were returned today and P-ronis was shocked. "I don't know how this happened. It must be a mistake. I called for a revote."

When asked whether or not he could continue to work he said, "Delivering pizza isn't easy. You gotta fold some boxes, drive around, and count money. If you aren't on your game, someone might try to slip you a five instead of a ten. And who can tell the difference between those old guys on the bills?"

GO-T, brother to P-ronis and wanted for eating cans, provided some insight on how the virus was contracted. "Best I can reckon is that he done got that from his visits to PA. I also seen him with some new womens at the house."

Mono typically affects a person for 2-5 weeks. P-ronis insists that he will rise to and meet this challenge. "I won't give up. This thing can't beat me. Remember that triple burger cowabunga back in 99? Who's still around? 'Nuff said."

Georgy Porgy Pudding In His Heart

2008-06-23T08:20:00.001-06:00

George Carlin died of heart failure over the weekend. FYI.

May The Males Live On! Vote for me

2008-06-17T12:30:00.002-06:00

We have a debate on Wife Advice and you have to vote for me. If Nando Commando wins the debate she gets to name the kid, and she wants to name it some farm name. I'm ok if she names the girl, but not the boy. Right now she is thinking Rusty or Colby. Please vote for me before the poll closes. Click here. Don't let the Clark name be disgraced.

Sometimes things just work out

2008-06-16T08:21:00.002-06:00

Sticky Fingers Strikes Back

2008-06-05T12:41:00.004-06:00

Some of you may be aware that Red Beard's ship was broken into yesterday. Reports couldn't be published until the investigation was underway. So far it has been determined that Red Beard's wallet and P-ronis' Nintendo Wii were stolen. The bandits were charging like crazy for nearly 12 hours until the banks finally canceled the credit cards.

There are several unfortunate events of this incident.

The front door was left unlocked. Billy Goat is believed to have left the door open as he went out to graze on some cans that were dumped in a nearby recycling container.
Goat and P-ronis actually heard the burglar break into the house. They heard the door open and someone walking around, but decided not to interrupt their video game to see what was going on. Instead, they decided to believe that Red Beard was sleep walking again. (A result of years at sea.)
Red Beard's booty was known to the neighbors. On his last expedition, Red Beard collected over 100 pounds of precious jewels and treasure. He was not discrete as he carried his loot into the house.

Police haven't been very helpful at this point, and it looks like the law will be brought to the hands of vigilantes. Long live justice!

Latest Family Gossip

2008-05-29T16:35:00.003-06:00

Several pieces of new info were recently released to me:

Fast Fingers Freddy: Sources report that one Mr. E Goat has sticky hands. Apparently the authorities were not involved but the damage was done. Long time girlfriend Rooskie Rosie has threatened to sever ties if he continues to try for 5-finger discounts.
Warrant (not the band, the call for an arrest): Two individuals are having trouble paying tickets. One of these incidents has led to a warrant. Luckily things seems to be moving in the right direction and jail time seems avoidable.
Honeymoon in Pennsylvania: New information points to the fact that P-ronis is now taking overnight trips to PA with a "friend." I can't reveal the identity of his friend because it is just too controversial right now.
Honeymoon in Oregon and St George: Not to be outdone, Cactimus Primate recently returned from a 4-day trip with his girlfriend and is turning around and going straight down to St George for another 4-day trip.
Back-hair gone wild: I haven't confirmed this, but sources tell me that a full mustache was found on Mustachio's back. It is in the shape of a handlebar and is red and blonde. Way to go!

Public Restrooms: Which spot to take?

2008-05-21T00:14:00.002-06:00

The first thing I do when entering the bathroom is survey my options. In this post I will address how to handle a #1 situation.

Going #1
I consider 3 locations: the urinals, the stalls, or the floor. The floor isn't usually an option, but I have on occasion had to pee down a drain because there were too many insects crawling on the toilets or urinals. The typical choice is the urinal. But you can't pick any urinal. When choosing I consider several things:

Is someone next to me? This is the most important thing. You just can't go next to someone unless you have no options.
It's gotta have dividers. If you have no dividers and are forced to go next to someone you need to find a stall or abort the mission. It just isn't worth it. Dividers provide some privacy.
Get next to a wall. This allows me to turn in case some perp tries to spy on me.
Consider height. I have used a few that are so tall that I find myself almost resting on the lip of the urinal. It's not meant to be a cup. That is just nasty. I don't really like the midget ones either because I am worried that my mind may wonder and I could end up soaking my feet.
Self flush is also preferred, but a lot of people don't care if the urinal isn't flushed, so that isn't a deal breaker.
Foreign objects in the urinal. I really hate to pee on gum, food, buggers, and other objects in the urinal. Again, it isn't a deal breaker, but I avoid it if I have options. I also hate to pee in a urinal that is still flushing.

As I mentioned, a stall is ideal when there are no dividers and you have to stand next to someone. I refuse to do that. I go to a stall and check for remains and stains. I don't think I need to go into detail. I like to find one with a closing door or no door. I hate the in between door because people will walk in on you and hit you with the door. You then pee all over the place and get embarrassed. It is important to look at the floor too. I hate stepping in bodily fluids and will choose another stall if I can tell something nasty is on the floor. I will use a stall next to someone no matter what they are doing, so that is pretty much all I consider when choosing a stall for a #1.

I hope I didn't miss anything vital. I will next address choosing a stall for a #2.

3 O'Clock High Quote #1

2008-05-15T00:40:00.002-06:00

I think I should post some of my favorite quotes from my favorite movie of all time. Here is today's quote:

Jerry: "Let's just forget this ever happened." (touches Buddy's jacket and smiles)
Buddy: "You're never gonna forget this happened."

In case you are wondering, I just got back from a Giants' game. It was pretty fun. We weaseled our way down to 1 row away from the visitors' dugout for the last few innings. It was perfect weather and we got to heckle an Astros coach who had a funky 80s mustache. No, it wasn't Red Beard.

Public Restrooms: Finding A Secluded Spot

2008-05-11T21:19:00.003-06:00

You know someone is an expert on public restrooms if the person can quickly list the best bathrooms in whatever building they're in. When I went to college and at each of my jobs, I always identified the best public bathrooms. How do I define the best bathroom? Let me list in order my criteria:

Secluded - this is more important than anything, even cleanliness. Busy bathrooms are usually a recipe for disaster, plus they attract creeps. You gotta find that secret bathroom that no one knows about. It is usually cleaner and is free of riff raff.
Locking stall doors/urinal dividers - These are essential, especially in a busy bathroom. I can't believe people will unload the dumpster on a toilet with an nonfunctional door. Ever see those doors that have the lock missing? It makes me think that the guy from No Country For Old Men just blew out the lock.
Cleanliness - This is very important but not at the very top. I can always lay 3-5 layers of toilet paper on the seat or dance around urine splashed on the floor, but I can't survive the free wheeling man at the urinal next to me who keeps glancing over since there is no divider. Call the cops on that guy!
Automatic toilets, soap dispensers, sink, and paper towels - A happy bathroom patron is one who doesn't have to touch anything other than the bare essentials.
Cleaning charts - This just makes me feel good. I'm pretty sure people are cleaning the bathrooms regularly when these charts are filled out. Even if some punk is just walking by and signing them without cleaning, at least I know I only have to lay on the floor unconscious for 4 hours if I am brutally attacked.
Missing entrance door - Call me crazy, but I love the bathrooms with no entrance doors. This prevents perverts from locking me in and allows people to hear my screams if I am attacked or slip and fall into some bathroom byproducts.

I am sure there are other things that are important, but this is a list of some of the critical things I look for in the best bathrooms. What is important to you?

Hare Krishna Inductee

2008-05-09T09:15:00.002-06:00

I try my best to include a little variety and spirituality when providing haircuts to others. Who can forget when I shaved Pete's eyebrow off? And what about the many times I have left a thin strip of hair on someone's head that they couldn't see? Gumperton asked me to shave his head when I was out visiting last month. I decided that he should start a Hare Krishna movement and so I left a little plop of hair on the back of his head. I think you'll find it reminiscent of the billy goat scruff on his chin. Anyway, me, red, nando, and homer were laughing when he walked in. I thought we were going to get away with it, but about 10 minutes later he discovered the hair. Below you will find pictures illustrating the sequence of events. Come on Gump, lighten up!

Public Restrooms: A Mulit-part Series. Dangers, Fears, Strategies, and Techniques

2008-05-03T10:22:00.005-06:00

Paruresis
I have decided to write a series on public restrooms since I have a fear of them (paruresis). Perhaps this will help me deal with the problem. This fear has actually gotten much better over the years. I never went #2 in an elementary school restroom. That is no joke. I spent 5 years crafting a bathroom plan so I could avoid using them. If I ever had a diarrhea attack, I would run home since we lived just a few houses away. Things got better over the years, and in high school I was able to go in the nurse's bathroom if there was an emergency. In college I took it a step further and was able to go quite frequently. However, I would only do it in the most secluded of locations. Around that time I started having some stomach problems which required me to find a bathroom every few hours. Then I went on a mission and I had to throw the fear out the window because I had no other options. It was good for me and I can now use pretty much any bathroom. I would barely say I have a fear of public restrooms now.

But there are still things that creep me out about bathrooms, especially public ones. I decided to write some of my best known tips and tricks to feel safe in the bathroom. I will also point out some of the many things you should fear about public restrooms since you probably haven't thought about it as much as I have. I hope you can share your ideas so we can learn together. I think you will realize that I use a lot of the same techniques that you do when in the restroom.

The first thing I want to bring up is what should we call this location? Should it be a restroom? Are people actually resting in there? I know the girls oftentimes have a couch (nasty!), but I think it is weird to call it a restroom. I vote for bathroom. I have never taken a bath in a public restroom, but I have seen several homeless guys and a creep named Tom Clark (potential restroom danger!!) do it. Maybe you have some better ideas? Once we decide on a name, we can jump into this mess....not the bathroom of course.

Toothbrush or Teethbrush?

2008-05-03T10:21:00.001-06:00

I told Tommy to pick up his toothbrush and he said, "Daddy, I think you are wrong. It should be called teethbrush." I think he might be right.

Family Gossip Revealed

2008-05-02T14:42:00.002-06:00

My source has provided me with some new information:

Someone in the family has a medical condition. I only know that the person has an 'A' in his first name. Come forward my friend, let us help...and laugh.
A certain peanut will be moving to Turkey to become a slave; well, a nanny, but what's the difference? We encourage her to take out some life insurance and purchase a gas mask, baton, and some running shoes before the trip or we might be left with peanut butter.
One 'P-ronis' is apparently quite close with several girls. I have confirmed that there have been several make-out sessions with both.

That's it for now, but I did receive a teaser from my source and wait till you hear what's next!

Culinary Artist?

2008-04-14T07:36:00.003-06:00

Ever think you'd have a brother named fat Tony the Italian chef? Well, the impossible is now possible. Late breaking news reveals that the Greaser will finally put his grease to use ... in the kitchen. According to inside sources, King Cook plans on leaving the Rutgers business school and to enter their culinary arts program to become a chef. When asked what his specialty dish will be, he simply replied, "Me momma's meatballs!"

Bushwacked: Late Breaking News

2008-04-10T21:32:00.002-06:00

This just in. The New Jersey domicile was set ablaze by one Braniel Clark today.

At 6pm today, residents of a New Jersey home were aroused by a strange smell as their house began to burn. The house suffered smoke damage, a burned wall, and torched window drapes.

"I just smelled something weird. At first we thought it was the laundry, but then we realized it was a fire," Red Beard, the father of the home stated.

"Dad jumped up first. We entered the room where the smell was coming from and saw the curtains on fire," said Homerlicious, a son with a larger than average size head.

Earlier in the day, Braniel, another son living in the home, decided to air out his room by opening the window. But to open the window he had to move the curtains. And what better place to put the curtains than inside the lamp shade.

Several hours later, Homerlicious came into the room and turned on the light. He left the light on as he left the home because occupants were still present. The three were enjoying dinner as the heat from the light began to burn the wadded up drapes. Flames bellowed up the wall until smoke alerted the father.

"It just smelled so bad," he said. "Then the fire alarm went off. I grabbed the fire extinguisher and put out the fire."

"He was a real hero," stated Homerlicious.

The wall needs to be replaced as do the drapes. Estimated damages exceed $5,000.

"I don't know why it's my fault," Braniel said. "Homer should have taken the drapes out of the lamp shade. Don't people normally look for that kind of thing?"

Braniel

2008-04-07T21:14:00.003-06:00

I'm sure you have seen some freaky images on the web before, but this takes the cake. Ever see that bit on Conan where he combines the pictures of 2 celebrities? Well here you go. I give you ... Braniel.

Twofer Friday

2008-03-21T15:54:00.003-06:00

This just in: Sources indicate that someone is pregnant. I don't want to tell too much, but let me say that the baby may need to go through customs in a bomb-proof suitcase to get back to the U.S.

Gossip Alert!

2008-03-21T15:25:00.002-06:00

This just in: One dude is getting an out-of-state visitor of the opposite sex soon. Let's just say she knows how to surf. That should give you a clue about who she is visiting.

Goodie Goodie Gum Drops

2008-03-18T19:56:00.002-06:00

I have been flooded with information by anonymous sources, but this latest piece of information gathered less than 48 hours ago is truly legit.

A certain C. Primate has been on several dates with various girls. It was recently learned that C. Primate has yet to make a move however. Reasons are unclear, but it is believed to be a result of too many dangerous prickles and not enough hair. Look for more stories and new information is obtained.

This Just In: Tongue Tied

2008-03-17T23:50:00.003-06:00

A reliable source (the victim actually) notified me on Saturday that she was left with saliva all over her face after an assault by none other than P-ronis. The accuser told me that she and P-ronis had just finished watching a movie together when she leaned in to give him a kiss on the cheek goodbye. He suddenly turned his head and slipped her the tongue as fast as Jason Stratham slid along the oil ridden floor in The Transporter. Horrified, she ran to her room in search of a mop to dry off her face. He has since denied the presence of the said tongue, but has confirmed that kissing took place.

Needed Controversy

2008-03-10T19:37:00.003-06:00

I feel really disappointed in myself because I initially started this blog as a way to disclose the latest information on family members and friends. I have fallen away from my journalistic roots and need to get back! So here it is, the latest juice. Oh, and I decided to take a snopes approach to my research:

Claim: A certain sister allegedly provided Frappuccinos to Katie and Quin

Status: Unconfirmed

Origin: While at my house, Katie and Quin blurted out that Frappuccinos were gross. They then recounted a trip to Starbucks. At that time, their sister (who will remain unnamed) bought a Frappuccino to share. After some interrogation, the defendant admitted to buying a lemonade but refuted the fact that Katie was present. She also claims that she has only been in a Starbucks once. It just so happens that this incident was the one time she was in there. Hmmmm
-----------------------------------------------
Claim: A prickly cactus has found true love

Status: False

Origin: This story originates as a result of the steady dating that has occurred over the past few weeks. From night clubs to long walks down the street, this Tomcat is on the prowl. I can confirm that several makeout sessions have happened recently, and my sources say that saliva was shared.
----------------------------------------------
Claim: Homerlicious returns to his old ways by sharing precious moments with his past flame

Status: True

Origin: Dancing Homer was said to be seen with his old girlfriend on at least 10 different occasions in just 3 weeks! This has been confirmed, and one witness reports that he walked out of his room with some lipstick smeared on his cheeks, ear, and 10% of his head - which is quite an accomplishment given the size of it.

These are just some of the recent claims. Look to my next report where I debunk a myth about a mustache, confirm the origins of a diet gone wrong, and clarify how exactly one man roams naked in his house.

Battle of the ages: 6-year-old vs 3-year-old

2008-03-04T20:19:00.004-07:00

I have had some very interesting conversations with my kids recently that made me realize how different they are and what a difference a few years can have on the types of things they say.

Tommy (6 years old)

While at church I was trying to draw a square on a Magna Doodle. While I was drawing squares, Tommy blurted out, "Those aren't symmetrical."

I laughed a little and said, "Do you even know what symmetrical means?"

He said, "It means you can cut it in half and have the two pieces look the same."

"That's right," I said. I erased the board and took my time and tried to draw a perfect square. "Here," I said proudly.

"Nope. You messed up the top corner," he said. Indeed I had made a mistake. For the next 5 minutes we argued back and forth about my drawing abilities as I tried to carefully craft perfect circles, triangles, and other shapes.

The abuse continued later at home as I picked up objects and said, "Well this is symmetrical." He would always say it wasn't because of some slight defect or pattern on the object that couldn't be cut in half symmetrically.

"Do you think a quarter is symmetrical?" he asked. I told him it was.

"Nope. It can't be because it has the word liberty on it. You can't make liberty symmetrical."

"Well what should it say on the quarter to make it symmetrical?" I asked.

"Lion oil," he said. "That's a palindrome and you can cut that in half and have it be the same on both sides."

Is this kid serious?

Actually, I was thinking about it and lionoil can't really be split symmetrically because the 'N' wouldn't be symmetrical. I'll break his heart when I get home. That will teach him to question authority.

Michael (3 years old)

"Daddy, what's this I'm holding?" he asked as he waved a toy hammer.

"A hammer," I replied.

"No it's not," he said indignantly. "It's a movie star."

What the ??

Rocking out in my car...on my phone

2008-02-21T17:58:00.003-07:00

I don't drive much, but when I do I love cranking up the music and rocking out to whatever song is on. But I don't want other people to see me doing that because then I feel stupid; I think other people look stupid when I see them doing the same thing. It doesn't make sense, but that 's what happens.

I recently came up with a good idea that will allow you to rock out and not look stupid. You need a cell phone to do this. Put the phone up to your ear, but don't call anyone. Crank up the radio and go crazy. People will see you but will just think you are yelling at someone. Way to establish authority while listening to music!

Anybody there? What happens when you accidentally call someone from your cell phone

2008-02-11T19:03:00.000-07:00

Don't you hate it when you look at your call list on your cell phone and realize a call was made from your phone without your knowledge? I can usually trace this back to my kids, but sometimes I find that buttons have gotten pressed while the phone was in my pocket. What's worse is when I look at the call duration and notice that the call was over 10 minutes long. Why in the world was the call so long? And even worse than that, is when I realize that my wife and I were probably arguing during that 10 minute period.

Did the person listen? Was it just dead air and the call stayed connected? What was going on?

I'm here to tell you that the person did listen, because that is exactly what I do when you accidentally call me. Admit it, you do too. Whether you are in the car, in the kitchen, or in your bedroom, I wait patiently and listen to life in your home. What's going on there? How does your family really act? I love getting a sneak peak into your life without you knowing about it. Maybe we could call it reality phone conversations instead of reality tv. Do I hang up if I hear yelling? No way! I get involved and try to take sides.

Anyway, just wanted to admit that when you accidentally call, I am purposefully listening.

Wife Advice Blog Contests

2008-02-11T18:43:00.000-07:00

Just in case you haven't seen, we are having a few contests on the wife advice blog. There will be a contest every day, so be sure to sign up. We just got a bunch of new gift cards; I'm sure there will be some that you like.

President Hinckley passed away today

2008-01-27T20:21:00.001-07:00

Sad news: President Hinckley just passed away. It's hard to get any info since all the news sites are crashing.

Here, I finally managed to get a link to an article.

Here today, gone tomorrow - Heath Ledger DEAD!

2008-01-22T15:29:00.000-07:00

This just in: Heath either overdosed or committed suicide. Info is sketchy right now.

I've offered to step in to complete Batman, but I'm still waiting to hear from my agent.

Lanyard To The Rescue

2008-01-01T20:56:00.000-07:00

I work in an office setting and security requires us to have our badges visible. I wear mine on a lanyard (cord/rope worn around the neck). The guys at work make fun of me and say it looks fruity.

They would prefer me to wear my badge on my belt loop like this. I guess they think it is more manly or something.

Despite the heckling, I just can't wear my badge on my belt. There are several reasons, but the principle reason is because I want anonymity while doing my business in the bathroom. All too often this is the type of scene I find when I enter the bathroom.

At first glance it might just look like a couple of people going to the bathroom, but a more careful examination of the scene reveals the identity of the individual on the toilet. I hate walking into the bathroom to find someone stinking up the room. But it's 10 times worse when I know who is doing it. Do I really want people to know that I am the culprit? No! I know some of the other guys tuck the badge into their pants so no one can see, but I don't even want to worry about that. Actually, I am not an ankle dropper, so I probably don't need to worry, but I want to be 100% sure that this would never happen. Am I really that crazy for wearing a lanyard?

Extra Long Receipts

2007-12-26T17:08:00.000-07:00

The other day Lord Baldemort and I went to Blockbuster since Redbox didn't have any good movies. I paid and walked away with one movie and 3 receipts. For some reason each receipt was extra huge too. I looked at the receipts and honestly couldn't tell why I needed 3. I then went to the local grocery store and bought about 10 items. The cashier handed me the receipt and it was nearly 2 feet long. Why? I couldn't believe it. Do I really need that much paper to tell me what I bought? It's not like the coupons were on the receipt; those came separately. I tried to think of reasons why stores are giving out so many receipts and why they are so long.

Perhaps they are worried that you might get stuck on the side of the road without toilet paper. I think some wrinkled paper receipts could be handy in a situation like that. I'll do a test to find out if the receipt is shorter when I buy toilet paper.
Stores could also be worried that your car might skid out of control and leave you dangling on the side of the mountain. These receipts could be fashioned into some type of rope so you can repel to safety.
An unlikely, yet plausible reason could be that companies know you might want to construct a noose. If you are like me and you save your receipts to be reconciled later, you will probably go crazy as the receipts get longer and fill your wallet/purse.

Why else are these receipts so long? Why do we need 3 copies?

Car Horns

2007-12-12T22:38:00.000-07:00

One time I was walking to work and someone honked the horn. I looked around and thought maybe it was for me. I didn't see anyone staring at me so I kept walking. As I crossed the street I heard it again. I looked around and around but didn't see anyone looking at me. A second later I heard, "Hey Chris." Now I knew it was for me so I looked and looked. I noticed another guy nearby waving to a lady in a car. I felt like a jerk.

I vowed then to never acknowledge a car horn. What's the point? So I see some guy who used to live near me waving hello. Am I going to get his number and call later? Are we going to chat in the middle of the road? No. So who cares. Either I haven't see the person in a while and don't care, or the person works with me and we will see each other in a few minutes. I just put my head down and march forward as if I heard nothing.

I guess there is one situation in which I am willing to react to a car horn, and that is when I am driving. This usually results in me slamming on my brakes because I need to help the person behind me learn that honking the horn at people is confusing.

12 Days of Christmas

2007-12-11T08:47:00.000-07:00

Lou asked what everyone wants for Christmas. I already know, but won't come right out and tell you. Guess you have to figure it out. I put the answers to the 12 Days of Christmas song:

12 cans for biting
11 t-shirts with oversized collars
10 tanning sessions
9 bullet proof vests
8 selfish pigs
7 Beatles records
6 bags of candy
5 hair removal sessions!!!!!!!!!
4 cats to squeeze to death
3 bridges to sleep under
2 packs of mustache remover
And a mad scientist kit to create an atomic bomb strong enough to send cosmic dust to the outer edges off the universe so the dictionary can be read in peace!

Revolving Door Jam

2007-11-12T20:48:00.000-07:00

I was coming to work the other day and had my backpack on. I also had another bag on my shoulder and was on my cell phone--on hold for computer tech support. I moved into the revolving door to enter the building when I was suddenly stopped in my tracks. At that same moment I heard a weird squeaking noise. I assumed that my bag had gotten stuck in the door, so I leaned back and pushed forward with all my strength to unwedge the bag. I heard another squeak, but this time it sounded like a person. I looked back to see what happened to my bag. Instead I saw the torso and head of a 70-year-old female missionary popping into my section of the revoloving door. Apparently she didn't know that each space in the door is reserved for 1 person. She tried to sneak in and got caught--literally.

The old woman's face was very white and expressionless. I quickly dropped my cell phone and pulled the door back to unwedge the woman. As I freed her from the door, she began to fall backward and landed right on her back onto the concrete sidewalk. I am not sure what happened next, but there were people running from all directions gasping and asking if she needed help. We finally pulled her to her feet and began asking what needed to be done. A security gaurd came running over and that's when I decided to take action. I picked up my cell phone and heard the tech support rep finally greeting me. I had to act fast so I wouldn't lose the rep, and decided to make a break for it. I quickly sped away from the scene and toward the elevators. As the doors closed I could only see a group of people huddled around this poor woman who was crushed. In the end, I think she was fine.

You might call me a coward for running away, but I consider myself I hero. Not only did I unwedge her from the door, I also helped her up to her feet.

Triangle of Trust and Truth Back in Action

2007-10-30T15:34:00.000-06:00

A few weeks ago, we were able to unite to create the Triangle of Trust and Truth. It wasn't really a triangle, but it was close. We then engaged in Hot Tub Confessionals. Good times were had by all, but the information that was shared was somewhat weak. Let's make up for it next time when we unite to pass gossip back and forth. I'm already cooking up something in the kitchen.

Free Tacos!

2007-10-29T13:18:00.000-06:00

If you are cheap and love tacos, you can go to Taco Bell to receive a free taco on October 30 from 2-5pm. Click here for details.

Transformers Prank Call

2007-10-22T13:17:00.000-06:00

Someone I used to work with prank called me today. It was kind of funny, so I thought I would reference the site since I am vehemently opposed to forwarding stupid emails. I just used the prank on Nancy, and she laughed since it poked fun at her obsession with blogging. Anyway, here it is: http://optimus.transformersmovie.com/

Looking Good in Pleather

2007-10-12T20:46:00.000-06:00

Yesterday Cactimus Primate called and told me he was thinking about getting a leather jacket (pleather actually). I thought, "Is it still the 80s?" Just then, I arrived at the airport to pick up my dad who is sporting a mustache. I then thought, "I guess it is still the 80s."

I should have convinced the primate to purchase the jacket because it would have provided entertainment every time we saw him in it, but I couldn't stop laughing at him when he told me.

Here is a photo of a mustache and some leather combined

What a creep!

McCreepy

2007-10-10T13:49:00.000-06:00

Patrick Dempsey might go by McDreamy, but I recently found a couple of pictures that give He Who Must Not Be Shaved a new name: McCreepy!

You can see McCreepy here scarfing down a chicken leg. Notice the scared kids. You might also take note of that hairy body!

Here, McCreepy is saving a little girl. Notice the fully matted body suit of hair. What a creep!

Other photos of McCreepy have also been taken. Click here to see how close he resembles George "The Animal" Steel. Post your own photos of McCreepy, so unsuspecting people everywhere can be prepared.

Blogging Obesessions Could Pay Off

2007-10-08T23:33:00.001-06:00

I should probably mention that my other blog, www.wifeadvice.com has been nominated as a finalist in a blog competition. You can vote for me by clicking the "Vote For Me" icon on the top right of the blog. That blog hasn't even been up for a week, so I guess there is potential. At the very least, you helped make The Donkey a household name.

As for this blog, you must be hard core if you are still reading.

Veganism: The End Of An Era

2007-10-07T22:38:00.000-06:00

Is that a beautiful site or what? We had some family members (Cheesesteak and kids, Mustachio and McRyan, and Don Prickles) come over for a brunch between conference sessions, and boy did we eat! Milk, bacon, eggs, cream cheese frosted cinnamon rolls--all of the essentials for breaking a vegan lifestyle. It was the greatest breakfast ever. It's like I fell in love again with animal products. I think I know what a bride might feel like when renewing her vows.

My cousin (Shia) and her husband (Max the mustacheless) had us over for a truly vegan dinner, and I must admit that it was a delicious meal. I am still full too.

Here is what she made. Yams, collard greens, and coconut rice were yummy side dishes, with some "meat" with a jerk seasoning. Actually, I didn't like the greens, but the other stuff was excellent. It tasted really good. Shia explains more about it here.This was dessert: a delicious chocolate cake with soy ice cream. Incredibly, these were also very good.

Vegan Summary
Overall, this experiment proved a few things. First, being a vegetarian is the way to go if you want to pretend to care about animals, health, or any of this other craziness. Being a vegetarian was a joke, and I really didn't notice a lot of difference. Second, being a vegan is tough. I didn't really give it a fair shot since I survived mainly on liquids and fruits (I was too busy to actually prepare a meal like the one above). It takes time, commitment, and the will power to avoid chocolate milk and steak. Finally, despite this great meal, I am still more likely to torture a dog as a vegan than as a heathen meat eater. Call me crazy, but I think a little meat in the system keeps me sane.
Final likelihood of torturing a dog: 20% (I dropped the likelihood a lot because I realized there is more to being a vegan than squeaky tofu.)

Vegan Week: Day 6

2007-10-07T09:56:00.000-06:00

I fell off the wagon and succumbed to a piece of fried chicken yesterday. I feel like I should be attending MA (meatlovers anonymous). After the fried chicken fiasco, I decided to bag the day. The weird thing was that I didn't get hungry for hours. In fact, I was full until about 8pm. I forgot what it was like to have my hunger satisfied. It was a stark contrast from the last few days of my vegan experience. To be fair, I was living on oatmeal, Gatorade, and fruit, so I guess I didn't give myself the chance to be full. The experiment is over, but I want to go to Eli-Shia-beth's house for a vegan dinner tonight before I summarize my experience as a vegetarian and vegan.

Likelihood of torturing a dog: 33% (I feel bad that I couldn't resist the chicken and blame this on my veganism.)

Vegan Week: Day 5

2007-10-05T21:53:00.000-06:00

Today wasn't too bad. I forgot to eat breakfast, but I guess you might not notice that when you are a vegan. I came home and had some oreos and rice milk. Then I made it until we went to Iggy's and had a little something there. The game was so annoying that I lost my appetite for the rest of the night. (I guess I should admit that I had about 4 sodas and tons of water.)

Likelihood of torturing a dog: 30% (Things could have been worse, but overall it was a good vegan day.)

Gnats: The new Ohio state bird

2007-10-05T21:33:00.000-06:00

In 1848, seagulls swarmed into the state to eat up crickets that were threatening to force a famine in Utah. It was a miracle: the crickets were eaten, the famine avoided, and the seagull became an instant hero and eventually becomes the state bird.

Fast forward 159 years to Iggy's, our favorite sports bar to watch Yankees games. Yankees are winning 1-0. Jabba is pitching, and dominating as usual. In fact, his era is 0.38, and he just got Pettite out of a jam the previous inning, getting 2 outs on just 4 pitches. Suddenly, a swarm of gnats take the field. Jabba is covered by gnats. He walks a batter, something virtually unheard of. He can't concentrate. The next guy bunts, and the runner goes to second. Then, a wild pitch. GNATS ATTACK! He can't focus and throws another wild pitch and the runner scores. Then, he hits the next guy and I thinked walked another batter. What a disaster! The gnats were all over his neck and face, it made it difficult for us to eat.

The Yanks end up losing in the 11th, and now face elimination. Could this have been a modern day miracle? Did gnats come to save the Cleveland Indians? I hope not, because it will be a sad day if Ohio adopts these pesky critters as the state bird.

Vegan Week: Day 4

2007-10-04T23:23:00.001-06:00

Today I was invited to yet another free lunch, and for the second straight day I had to completely alter my meal preference. This is no joke--I actually had to order a sandwich called "Good Things Growing!" Never in my life have I ordered something this crazy at a restaurant. It had cucumbers, tomatoes, lettuce, onion, 2 inches of sprouts, and a few other random veggies from the garden. I had to order it without cheese of course.

While I was eating it, all I could think about was how sad and terrible a rabbit's life would be. Just rummaging through a farmer's garden...looking for something to eat...looking for "good things growing." It was a nightmare. I ended up inhaling a freaking sprout and it got lodged halfway down my throat. I coughed and coughed and my eyes began to water, but that stupid thing wouldn't move. I finally dislodged the sprout and choked the rest of the sandwich down. Of course for dinner I enjoyed an apple and a Gatorade since I didn't have time to prepare a vegan meal. I got home and ate a box of Cracker Jacks and had some Postum. I'm still hungry and waiting for a huge meat feast in the near future. I am very tempted to bring back "Meat Week" which was a fairly successful undertaking a few years ago.

Likelihood of torturing a dog: 35% (Things are going in the wrong direction! I didn't know what to expect at the beginning of this experiment, but I think I now know where they are headed.)

Wife Advice has moved...

2007-10-04T00:47:00.000-06:00

We have a new site dedicated to MARRIAGE! You can visit the new site at www.wifeadvice.com Head over there to keep up on my wife advice (now called Lesson Learned). I will also continue to answer questions, and Nan will throw in her advice too. You can also find quick marriage tips and vote on our debates (remember when Nan was deemed to be a farmer?).

Vegan Week: Day 3

2007-10-04T00:25:00.000-06:00

I was ree pissed today because our manager brought us out for Thai food and I had to pick all the chicken off and give it away. That probably isn't the correct vegan thing to do, but I don't care anymore. I ended up eating a bowl of cereal with soy milk for dinner and am starving right now. I'm just going to bed so I don't have to suffer anymore.

Likelihood of torturing a dog: 30% (Things are going the wrong way right now. I might eat a dog soon if I continue to be perpetually hungry. Maybe I will try to make a vegan dish tomorrow.)

Vegan Week: Day 2

2007-10-02T22:17:00.000-06:00

My cousin finally emailed me a few vegan recipes and a link to a site with vegan dishes at lots of restaurants. I didn't have time to shop for the ingredients, so I had to settle for oatmeal for breakfast and a sandwich, fruit, and veggies for lunch. I was so hungry, but managed to make it to a potato for dinner. Yummy. I had some Oreos (vegan friendly) and soy milk. I went out for a couple of hours and came back hungry. I then had a couple packets of oatmeal and a lot of water. I am now going to bed hungrier than ever. How can people do this?

Likelihood of torturing a dog: 28% (I was deprived of some soup, real dinner, and a donut today. I am going to go crazy in less than a week! Not on a dog, but on some steak.)

The Donkey has a dot.com

2007-10-02T09:21:00.000-06:00

As you can see in the address bar, the address of this blog is now www.douglasjlampwick.com

Don't forget to update your bookmarks and links!

Vegan Week: Day 1

2007-10-01T18:12:00.000-06:00

I can already tell this is going to be a total nightmare. We had some friends from our mission visit from London. They wanted Mexican food, so we went to Cafe Rio. I totally forgot that I would be completely limited. Then, our friends produced some delicious English chocolate, but alas, I was unable to partake. The final straw was when I prepared an Italian soda for our guests and myself. I was just about to drink an Irish Cream when I remembered that I couldn't have it because of the half and half. I settled for some chocolate soy milk and left without eating dinner. (I can't eat dinner since my cousin who forced me into this still hasn't sent me any vegan recipes. Looks like Cracker Jacks tonight--they are on the vegan list.)

Likelihood of torturing a dog: 25% (It is completely unacceptable that I have to be paranoid about what I can and can't eat.)

My vegan cousin is on the left and her doppleganger Shia LaBeouf is on the right.

Wife Advice: Tubthumped

2007-09-30T21:44:00.000-06:00

Tubthumping was a song by the band Chumbawamba in 1997. I'm pretty sure they were a one-hit wonder here in the U.S., but the name of the song has always struck me as being very funny. Whenever someone bumps into me (physically smashes into my body with an arm, hip, or girthy leg), especially someone on the large side, I think to myself, "I just got tubthumped." I have no clue why I think this, but I do.

Lesson 7: Don't blame your wife if the two of you bump into each other.

I am on the smaller side--only 5'6" tall, and weighing in at a mere buck-35. Defining my wife's dimensions online would not be a good idea (although recently I did reveal her height and weight to a few people at work...oops), so let's just say she towers over me and is a gumball short of 2 bucks.

Anyway, throughout the course of everyday life, there are occasions when my wife and I will bump into each other while in the kitchen, walking by each other, or simply shuffling past each other in the closet. In almost all cases, these incidents occur when I am trying to carry something, in a rush, or completely oblivious to the potential dangers of being tubthumped. I typically get very annoyed and exaggerate a fall into the wall or pretend that my neck was just jolted back. I'm not sure what I am really looking for with these exaggerations, but I do know that I hate it every time.

The other day my wife and I were walking by each other in the hallway, and BOOM! I was thrown backward, but she also claimed to be thrown backward. As I was struggling for survival, my wife said, "You don't need to act like you just got run over by a herd of rhinos. Besides, it was your fault."

My fault? How could this have been my fault? I did marvel at the image she painted with her rhino simile, but then I thought, "Can it really be one person's fault if two people bump into each other?" I don't think so, but I still give credit to my wife for most of our run-ins.

"You ran into me. I was just walking by," I said.

"Well, I'm the one who got thrown back. That means it's your fault," she
retorted.

I then said, "Excuse me. You hit me and then I went flying. Are you honestly trying to tell me that I moved you all the way back there?" (In the meantime, she had inched back a little further to make the distance appear more dramatic.)

She then exclaimed angrily, "Whoever gets thrown back furthest is clearly not at fault."

In an instant I relived all of the punishment I had taken over the years--all the maulings I had been subjected to. I thought of all the responses I could make, but decided to avoid a conflict, and just let a small "humph" out under my breath. Unfortunately, my wife is an expert at interpreting those little humphs. "Don't even say it," she snapped, "I know exactly what you're thinking, and I don't want to hear it." Then she went into the voice she uses to impersonate me, which resembles a drunk man from the South with a swollen tongue: "If we're talking about who can knock who the furthest, then I think there is a clear culprit."

"Was that what about what you were thinking?" she asked

"Well, it's not like I have a lot of mass to move you with."

Understandably, she became quite irate and went on for a while about me talking about her weight, me blaming her all the time for things, and then it spiraled into whether or not I even love her (a subject for an upcoming Wife Advice!). I was wondering how I could extricate myself from the situation, and was literally saved by the bell when our friends showed up at the doorstep for a visit. We had a nice time and it seems that she has forgotten all about the incident (until she reads this post, that is).

My suggestion: If you get tubthumped by your wife, don't blame her. Take ownership and apologize. There is no need to go flying backward--even if you are trying to prove a point. Take the hit like a man and move on. You might even spin it in your favor by saying something like, "Oh, a little love tap!" However, if you are dwarfed by your wife, I might suggest some protective bodywear for safety's sake.

Veggie Week: Day 6 & 7

2007-09-30T21:18:00.000-06:00

I have survived the first week of my experiment. Yesterday wasn't too bad at all. I did want to go with McRyan to get a Nacho Supreme, but was forced to rely on an apple pie from KFC, which was DA-LICIOUS. But that got me annoyed. I began my fast last night and continued until dinner tonight. I decided to break the fast with a BBQ. We had a bunch of people over for dinner, and I had a hamburger and a hot dog. I guess I could have ended the week on a true vegetarian note, but what the heck?

Likelihood of torturing a dog: 7.0% (Being a vegetarian wasn't so tough. I did feel hungry almost every day though. We'll see how the vegan thing goes. I have all the food purchased, and I am ready to begin.)

-Why is it called a hamburger and not a beefburger or meatburger? Someone look that up and let me know. Maybe one of you hard core bloggers can take a break and check that out for me and leave a comment.

Veggie Week: Day 5

2007-09-28T20:51:00.001-06:00

I am not sure why people would subject themselves to this, but they must derive some pleasure. Today I went to a BBQ and had to stick with the side dishes while everyone else enjoyed hamburgers and hot dogs. 15 minutes later I was hungry and came home and ate more. You will be happy to know that I resisted ice cream today. Cheesesteak's kid helped me bring a table over to the BBQ area and stepped in dog poo. Sadly, the dog poo, and me missing the hot dogs/hamburgers has irked me.

Likelihood of torturing a dog: 10% (This is quite a jump, but I am getting sick of being hungry and weaker at the gym. Plus, why should we have to dodge dog poo like land mines? It just doesn't make sense.)

Veggie Week: Day 4

2007-09-28T00:07:00.000-06:00

As Ice Cube once said, "I gotta say, today was a good day." Justin and I went to an Indian restaurant and I got a vegetarian coconut curry meal. It was very good. I was full all the way until 10pm. But at that time, I had another bowl of ice cream at home. What have I done? I have been able to resist soda for a few days now, so that is a plus as well.

Likelihood of torturing a dog: 5.0% (That curry dish gave me hope that a vegetarian life is possible.)

Tomorrow I will be including a new wife advice installment, so get ready!

Veggie Week: Day 3

2007-09-26T21:24:00.000-06:00

(cholesterol molecule)

Well, there is a bit of bad news. I went to a health fair at work today and discovered that my cholesterol is really high. The lady who took the sample was surprised and told me to exercise and eat better. I decided to go to another booth because she couldn't have been right. I told this new booth what just happened, and they told me that it must have been a mistake. "You look healthy and are too young for a number like that." The lady at the new booth took a blood sample and confirmed what the person at the previous booth told me. She was very shocked. She also told me to exercise and to eat healthier.

I think I exercise quite a bit, and my eating habits aren't completely terrible, but I guess I should make a change. I am not sure what changes should be made. I just had my bloodwork done 5 months ago for a life insurance application, and my levels were much lower (I confirmed this when I got home by pulling out the report). In fact, I scored well enough on my reports to get the lowest risk rating.

What in the world has happened in 5 short months? Is this a result of my rope swing accident? I had to take 3 weeks off at the gym. Perhaps this is because I am back in school, with limited time to eat healthy meals. Or...an even more sinister culprit...maybe this is related to my recent vegetarian diet? Sure all the research says fruit and vegetables will decrease cholesteral, but as a vegetarian, I can consume as much ice cream as I want (which I have been doing).

The vegetarian thing has been a little annoying today. I had to eat a salad and another grilled cheese sandwich for lunch. For dinner, I had beans, rice, and vegetables made by Amazonia(Cheesesteak's wife). It was good, but it doesn't fill me up like meat does. I was so hungry that I had to eat some ice cream. I couldn't resist. I'm sure my cholesterol will be higher tomorrow, but will it be because of the ice cream, or the lack of meat?

Likelihood of torturing a dog: 6.9% (I'm 3 times as likely today because I'm miffed about this cholesterol thing. Maybe if I had some dog meat my cholesterol would be lower?)

Veggie Week: Day 2

2007-09-25T22:18:00.000-06:00

I have wrapped up 2 days of my vegetarian week. It hasn't been difficult, just inconvenient. I have almost eaten meat for lunch and dinner both days. Yesterday I had a few Hawaiin pizza slices and realized at the last minute that they had ham. I had to pick the ham off before eating. Then I almost ate chili for dinner and instead had to eat some cereal. I should have prepared a few meals in advance so I wouldn't run into this problem. This is definitely going to need to be in place for the vegan week (next week).

Likelihood of torturing a dog: 2.3% (Maintaining the probability)

Vegan Nation!

2007-09-24T18:10:00.001-06:00

My cousin's husband published an interesting post a few weeks ago on the relationship between Michael Vick torturing dogs and people who eat meat (omnivores or carnivores). I didn't read it very carefully, but I gathered that he was saying that people are hypocrites if they eat meat and at the same time scorn Mister Vick for hanging and gutting dogs.

At first I thought this was crazy. Is eating a hamburger really the same as strapping a dog upside down and beating it to death? I guess I never thought about it. Perhaps he is right.

The topic has peaked my interest, and I am now on a crusade to find out if torturing dogs is the same or even related to eating meat.

Starting today, I will begin a vegetarian diet. I will continue this for one week. I will then get more extreme and move to a vegan diet for one week. Each day I will document the likelihood of me torturing a dog. At the end of this experiment, I will know if eating a hamburger is truly similar or related to torturing animals.

Last night we had Lord Baldemort and Cheesesteak's family over for a fondue party to kick off the event. Let's just say I stored up enough meat for this 2 week experiment! It was very tasty. Don't worry "Chas"tity, we will have you over for fondue when the trial run is completed.

Likelihood of torturing a dog: 2.3% (There is the off chance of me stooping this low if my child were to be brutally killed and eaten by a dog. The dingo stole my baby!)

Dr. Donkey: A Fine Mess

2007-09-21T12:00:00.000-06:00

The doctor is in and ready for his first question!

Dr. Donkey:

I have an issue that I've been dealing with for most of my marriage that I need some advice on how to manage. My wife is a stay at home mom while I work full time out of the house. My issue is regarding the role of the stay at home mom. My understanding was that by making the decision to stay at home to be with the children (which I agree is the right decision to make if your circumstances allow for it) that the wife's responsibilities would also include maintaining a clean and orderly house. Was I wrong in assuming that this falls under the role of housewife? Now don't get me wrong I'm not saying that all the cleaning needs to be done by the female, I'm all for helping out around the house and currently do a large portion of the cleaning in our house, but is it too much to expect a tidy house upon arriving home from work? I know that our children can be quite the handful, but for some reason when I have them on the weekend I can still manage to watch them and clean the entire house myself. Dr. Donkey give me your thoughts. My wife is a great lady and works hard I just wish I could have a house that was a bit more tidy.

Despondent Working Man:

Meatloaf is one of the most boring meals around, yet I love it so much. I remember calling Nancy one day to ask her to make it for dinner. She agreed, and I spent the day looking forward to the meal. When I came home, however, there was no smell of meat cooking. No ketchup or spice aroma. No, the only thing I noticed was a giant mess, with a slight hint of dirty diaper in the air. The kids were doing something upstairs that sounded dangerous and the baby was crawling around whining. As I surveyed the house, I realized that something terrible must have happened during the day. As my wife sat on the couch reading blogs, I thought, "How could this be? Shouldn't she be cleaning or taking care of the kids? And what about that meatloaf? Don't I deserve a meal when I come home from work?"

Your concern is a familiar one for most men, yet the answer is as elusive as that meatloaf I was looking for. Is cleaning a housewife's duty? Unfortunately there is no answer, only opinion. Here is my opinion: A stay at home mom should consider cleaning the house as part of her duty. There are days though that are too crazy for an effective cleaning job. I can't imagine having the home clean every day at 5:30pm when the bread winner walks through the door. I also think that the duties in the evening should be split between the couple. It sounds like you are very helpful in the evening and I applaud you. But coming home to a messy house can be very frustrating after a hectic day at work, especially if it occurs on a regular basis.

It sounds like you need to bring this topic up with your wife. There are a few approaches that I have tried over the years. Before I discuss the approaches though, there are a few considerations:

You must recognize that your wife considers being at home as “work.” Maybe you find being at home for the day enjoyable and that running the ship is more of an adventure than a chore. This is only your perspective. For her, the home is her office.
Don't use the argument, "I could easily manage it without a problem for the day" because that doesn't count. Her retort will be, "You are exactly right--you can do it for a day." I have even spent several 4-day weekends on my own with the kids and I try using that exact logic, but logic will always lose out to the female perspective.
It sounds like you haven't brought this topic up with her, so she may not realize that you expect her to clean. Perhaps she considers cleaning to be going the extra mile.

With those considerations on the table, I can now provide you with some helpful tips on how you might broach the subject. Some of my approaches are listed below, in order of effectiveness; the results have ranged from getting me into trouble, to making me feel triumphant to actually solving the problem.

Let the mess get so gross that she is forced to take action. Fake a fall as you try to climb over the clothes pile. Lose her toothbrush under the dirty hand towel on the floor. Cry out, "Good gosh there are ants everywhere!" while looking at the food on the floor in the kitchen. (Ants don't really need to be present.) This hasn't typically been effective for me, but it might be a short term solution to get the house clean once or twice.
Ask her where the phone is. She will begin to look. Little does she know that you have hidden the phone under a pile of her sandals that she has left in the entry way. After about 10 minutes, yell out "Eureka!" as you unearth the device. (For added effect, hide somthing she truly values so the concern is intensified, maybe the remote control or her Danielle Steele "novel.")
Wait until your wife is near the messiest room. Walk in right as she passes and let out a shriek. When she asks what's wrong, tell her nothing with a clearly disturbed look as you survey the area. She will likely catch on and you can discuss the situation, but she might be more clever than that and completely ignore you. Move on to option 4.
Come home and tell your wife that you want to go out on a date, holding some fake tickets in your hands. Act really excited and then walk by the mess while she is nearby and look disappointed. If this doesn't prompt a response, you can say to yourself, just audible enough for her to hear, "I guess I need to stay home and clean." Rip up the tickets and start cleaning.
If that doesn't work, here is a sure proof idea. Come right out and question the mess. She will bite on the bait and say, "Well why don't you clean it up." Stare at the ground with a puzzled face and say blankly, "I do have one more vacation day. I guess I can take a day off next week to sweep the floor." This is a dangerous one, but I always love it. It typically gets me in trouble, but boy do I feel good after I say it!
Just clean. Come home and clean. Don't say anything. Walk in, get changed, ask for a sponge so she knows you are cleaning, and then go nuts. Clean all night. Ignore the calls for dinner. Stay up well into the night cleaning. Do this again the next day and the next day. Eventually she may see the point and begin to pitch in.
Divide and conquer. You might offer to vacuum and do the dishes, while she does the laundry and cooks. She might accuse you of ordering her around, but she might realize she is getting off lucky by only doing half the work.
Tell her that you recognize that she must have had a hard day. Tell her that you really appreciate it when the house is clean, but that you understand that it's a hard job every day. Then ask for your meatloaf.

Hopefully this helps. You are in a difficult position, but there is hope.

Don't forget to write in your tough questions so the doctor can help YOU!

Censorship Issues

2007-09-20T09:05:00.001-06:00

I have received several angry emails and calls because there haven't been any recent posts. A post has been completed, but is being reviewed for content. Let me explain the process:

The post is created by me
The post is then evaluated by a stringent review committee (wife)
Negotiations are made to ensure that the post is appropriate
The post is rewritten
The post is then evaluated again by the committee
Final changes are made
The post is then up for you to enjoy

You may find this form of censorship unfair, but I must support it. I hope to have something approved tonight.

Ask the Donkey: Introduction

2007-09-11T20:09:00.000-06:00

Wife Advice is proving to be a very popular topic. As a result, I have received many requests for wife advice on various topics that I have not posted. I have been counseling individuals in-person and on the phone with their questions, but I feel like this knowledge would be beneficial for all--not just for one.

I am pleased to announce "Ask the Donkey." I will answer your tough questions/situations on marriage topics. These questions/situations can come from both males and females. Answers will be based on research and my own life experiences. After all, 8 years of marriage gives me a good foundation to work from. Plus, I have proven that I have excellent advice to share. Questions from singles and the recently engaged are also accepted and encouraged.

You can simply email me (douglasjlampwick@gmail.com) or you can leave your question/situation in one of the comment sections. Questions will be selected based on relevant issues of the day, urgency of the problem, and public interest. Please keep all requests appropriate. I am not a love doctor, just a man on a mission to save relationships. I will answer questions on a weekly basis. The flood gates are now open.

Wife Advice: Laughter Is Not Always The Best Medicine

2007-09-06T22:50:00.000-06:00

I think Jack Handy said it best: "Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis." It is very clear to me that laughter is not always the best form of medicine, as evidenced by this week's wife advice.

Lesson 6: Don't laugh when you see your wife's new haircut.

My wife recently went to get her hair cut. I think she was trying to make it a surprise so she could then get mad at me for not noticing. Luckily I found out she was going to be gone for a few hours and she had to admit that it was because she was going to get her hair cut.

Later that evening I came home and called to ask her to come out and help me bring a bunch of stuff in from the car. A few minutes later I saw this lady walking toward the car. For a split second I thought, "Who is this coming toward me?" I realized that it was my wife. She had cut at least 7 inches off, cut bangs, straightened it, and got highlights. She looked so different that my only response was to laugh. She opened the door and said, "What's so funny?" I could only get out, "Your hair!"

I continued to chuckle sporadically as we walked inside and then again for another 5-10 minutes while we were inside. She became quite perturbed and said, "Laughing isn't really an appropriate response for a haircut." I then started digging a hole that would eventually require a harness and rope to get out of. I said, "Listen, I think I like it, but I am not quite sure yet." After a little more laughter--and a little more getting scolded--I said, "I think it makes you look younger, but at the same time older. But the strange thing is, you look skinnier, but it also seems like your stomach is sticking out more."

I knew that last comment was a mistake and tried to recover by saying, "Well, that could just be the shirt you're wearing; it looks a little small." The fumes were beginning to pour out while my mouth kept going. "You actually kind of look like you're wearing a wig," I said trying to fill in the hole. I am not sure what I thought that would accomplish, but I went for it. The anger level was now at a 7 and I didn't know what to do. So I continued to laugh hoping she would start laughing. Unfortunately that time never came and I had to issue an apology for the next 20 minutes.

I really didn't try to hurt her feelings. I honestly laughed out of surprise and then thought I could continue laughing to make the situation better. I actually like her hair, but she's insisting that I could have expressed it better than I did with the laughing, the stomach comment and the wig comment.

My suggestion: When in doubt, don't laugh, unless it is at yourself. And even then, I suggest thinking of another alternative. And stop talking when you have no clue what you are saying.

A Decision Has Been Made

2007-09-04T18:15:00.000-06:00

The votes are in, and it looks like Nancy has quite a bit of support. I appreciate the input you have all provided and have "used the results to make my decision."

I am happy to announce that Nan will be the proud owner of a Treo. She justified the need and proved that this will be beneficial to the family. I am also happy to announce that she will be enrolled in a cell phone plan. We are still negotiating the exact plan.

Alas, she was unable to justify a data plan and will not have that luxury, because that is what I deemed it--a luxury. She had some arguments, but they were weak at best.

Congratulations to Nancy!

Read the original Treo proposal, and Nancy's follow-up argument.

Battle Wounds and Lessons Learned

2007-09-01T12:41:00.000-06:00

I thought I would share a few pictures of the injuries now that it has been a week since my battle with the tree stump.

Outside of Right Thigh

This is where the initial impact was

...But for some reason the biggest bruises are on the inside of my leg

Inside of Right Thigh

Right Arm

The doctor recommended that I use crutches, but I couldn't take it, so I was told by the doctor to use a cane. Here is a photo of the cane.

The CaneI have had a lot of interesting experiences since I started using the cane.

Everyone tells me I am using the cane on the wrong side. I must admit that I began using the cane on my injured side. It just felt like the natural way to use it. However, Nancy looked it up and informed me that the cane should be used on the side with the good leg. This allows the weight of the body to be shifted from the injured side to the good side.
The amount of time given at a crosswalk is too short. I have had to cross several streets while using my cane, and I have a really hard time making it across before the light changes. I can't imagine being blind or having a disability that would make me even slower.
The cane is an excellent tool. I love using it to press buttons, hold elevator doors, steer the kids in the correct direction, and point out objects for Nancy to get.
I am feeling the physical effects of the cane. The wrist that holds the cane is starting to hurt. My good leg is starting to get sore from bearing most of the weight. My hand smells from the rubber on the handle of the cane, and it makes any food I pick up taste nasty. I have to constantly wash my hands.
Apparently, a young guy with a cane takes precedence over the elderly, young, females, etc. Old people let me though the doors first, kids get something off the shelf for me, and ladies are offering to carry my bags.
People stare at me. Anytime I am anywhere in public people are looking me. I imagine it is out of the ordinary to see a young guy with a cane, but I'm still surprised that I just get stared at.
People come up and ask me what's wrong. Even more surprising than being stared at is having people come up and say, "what's wrong with you?" I consider myself a pretty forward person, but I can't remember a time I've gone up to a disabled person and asked that question.

Having a cane isn't all that bad, even if I do look like a little disabled boy. Several months ago I predicted that I would soon have a disability, but I didn't think it would be like this.

No More Forwards!

2007-08-31T08:42:00.001-06:00

Today my wife forwarded me an email. I opened it (first mistake) and it had the image below:

Although I think the sign is funny, it is clear that this was never actually on a sign. Yesterday Cheesesteak forwarded me an email because he thought he would get $500 from Microsoft for every person he forwarded it to. Come on, wise up. Before you forward some outrageous email, check http://www.snopes.com/ to see if it is real. This web site is really good. Oh, look what I happened to see on the same sign:

YANKEES BASEBALL!!!

2007-08-29T22:30:00.000-06:00

I thought this would eventually happen, but was too nervous to get excited: The Yankees look like they might make it to the post season after all! Captain O'Hare and I watched part of the game at our favorite sports bar Iggy's. They have amazing nachos and buffalo wings. Good old Roger was at his best and the Yanks beat those dirty Sox 4-3.

I am happy to report that guys like Cano, Cabrera, and Abreu (Cyclops) have finally stepped up. Even mountain man Damon is doing better. The great Giambino is back and our elfkin closer was able to finish things off tonight. If things go as planned, we will be able to enjoy a few extra weeks of baseball.

In case you haven't heard, Lord Helmet is moving out here and will revel in the celebrations with us.

Cyclops (looks like he only has one eye!)

Her Fate In Your Hands

2007-08-28T15:12:00.000-06:00

Nan has been bothering me about a phone for a long time. The thing is, she doesn't only want a phone; she wants a phone that has computing capabilities. In addition to that, she wants a phone plan that includes data (ability to send email and browse the internet). This request has been in the works for about a year. She has given me all sorts of lame excuses to explain why this is critical to her survival. At one point we talked about it being a reward if she met some type of health goal (this goal would have been determined by her and would include points based on how much she worked out, how much weight she lost, etc.)

Perhaps because of my weakened condition and because I am taking some pain medication, today she tried to talk me into the phone again. I told her to write up a proposal outlining a few things.

How will this benefit the family?
What cost savings will be realized?
How will a PDA/phone increase her productivity?
How will she measure whether this device is worth the money?

She submitted a proposal to me within 2 hours (if I could only get those results for other things like cleaning the house and doing laundry!)

Her proposal is below. I would like you, the reader, to decide whether or not she has made a good case. Perhaps she has justified a phone, perhaps a PDA, perhaps both, or perhaps neither. Please cast your vote and I will use the results to make my decision. The voting block is located on the left pane. Please only vote once. You are free to get family members or friends to vote, but you cannot vote for them. Please consider the costs of the phone and plan ($300 for the phone and $63 per month!!!) compared to the benefits outlined below. After all, this will come out of funds used to buy food and clothing for the kids:

Dear Chris:

Per your request, I am submitting a requisition form for a new communication device, specifically a Palm Treo with voice and data capabilities. Please consider the following factors and be ready to discuss the matter with me as soon as possible. Remember, a happy wife = a happy family.

Why a Cell Phone?

Emergencies
-Roadside assistance
-Medical needs
-School, bus issues
Convenience
-I’ll be available to others
-I can call others when I think about it, want to, need to, have extra time
Coordination
-Making plans with you—rides, schedules, etc.
-Last minute changes (decide to do another errand, make another stop, etc.)
-Notifications (“Sorry I’m late,” “Can I drop by?” etc.)
Long Distance
-More likely to call family members and friends

Why a PDA?

Sanity Saving
-Have lists on hand (to-do, shopping, wishlists…)
-Have calendar on hand
-Have contact information on hand
-With the time that we invest in getting my new system up and running this week (including you so kindly taking the kids out of town for me, etc.), it would be nice if the organization/systems could actually stay in place (meaning I need access to my info).
Time Saving
-Read & respond to emails at convenient times, instead of sitting down at the computer throughout the day.
-Use downtime (waiting for Tommy's bus, in waiting rooms, etc.) more effectively—draft posts, write emails, proofread your homework and work documents, etc.

Why a Phone/PDA Combo?

2-in-1 device convenient, cost-effective
Data Option: Live access to web, email, etc. A lot of the calendar/organizing applications I use are web-based. This would eliminate the need for me to have to plug the device into the computer and try to synchronize all my information.

$ -The Bottom Line - $ [here are the costs for her proposal]

Phone/PDA is $300.
Plan is $63 a month. 450 daytime minutes, Unlimited In-Calling, Nights, Weekends, Data
We can eliminate all extra options on our home phone -$15 a month
We can eliminate phone card and long distance calls -$15 a month (pay phone calls are now $1 each!)

Improvements You Will See

I will know what is going on, what needs to be done, and what I am doing
I will spend considerably less time in the chair in front of the computer
I will not put things off, since I won’t have to wait to get upstairs to the computer
I will enjoy keeping track of things, and getting things done

And finally, a few quotes from productivity guru David Allen:
“I’ve seen people go from resisting to actually enjoying sorting through their stacks once their personal filing system is set up and humming.” and, "I've done some of my best planning and updating for myself when I simply wanted some excuse to use (i.e., play with) my Palm organizer while waiting for dinner in a restaurant."

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Your loving wife, Nancy

UPDATE: Check out Nancy's response to this post.

DAMAGE!

2007-08-26T22:00:00.000-06:00

On Saturday Nan and I went boating at Jordanelle State Park (near Park City) with some friends. We had a lot of fun on a 3-man tube behind the boat.

We were about to leave, but decided to go back out for 30 more minutes to try out a rope swing. We made our way to the rope, and took turns swinging down the side of the hill and into the water. Here is a video of Kurt.

On one of my turns I decided to start from higher on the hill to get more air. The pressure was on since several boats of people had gathered around to watch us, including one with several ladies. I climbed up as high as the rope would reach and launched myself. On the way down, I noticed that the end of the rope was twisted tightly around my ankle. I needed to get it loose quickly; if not, I would jump off, only to end up dangling by my foot and crashing back into the land. I let go of the rope with one arm and tried to get my foot out. After three quick attempts, I realized I wouldn't be free in time. I was careening back toward the land, headed straight for a huge stump (pictured at the bottom left of the video screenshot above). I curled up in a ball to protect my side and smashed into the stump with a loud thud. My right side hit directly--mainly my right arm, ribs, and thigh. I then bounced back over the water and dropped in. Fortunately, by now my foot had somehow been untangled. As I surfaced in the water, I saw lights, and felt a bit dizzy. I was in serious pain.

Here is the video of my attempt. You can see me trying to untangle my foot. Unfortunately, Nan was the one taping, so as soon as the trouble started, she panicked and moved the camera away to get a better look herself. When the picture goes bad, you will hear her worried voice; then just listen closely for the thud. (If you want to see the stump that I hit, look again at Kurt's video above.)

I dog paddled to the shallow water and was met by worried onlookers. I stayed in the water for a minute and then slowly got out. I think the adrenaline was in high gear because I was able to walk--sort of, although I was already feeling pretty bad pain in my legs and ribs . Four ladies on a nearby boat jumped in the water and swam over, calling out that they were nurses. They made sure that I sat still for a few minutes, but they didn't find anything life-threatening. The ride back in the boat was terrible as the pain became apparent. We got to the shore, Nan ran to the car, and I hobbled in, and we drove back to Salt Lake. Nan's biggest concern was that she had not captured it all on video for her blog. Mine was that we were going to end up owing extra money for our babysitter. Speaking of money, I made sure we went to an Instacare Facility instead of an Emergency Room.

They did a few tests and x-rays, but found nothing obvious. On the way home the doctor called and said she found blood in my urine sample. That--and the fact that I could not put any weight on my leg--concerned me enough that a few hours later I went to the ER so they could do a CT scan. Nan came with me and we listened to Harry Potter. The doctor thought I broke my pelvis since I couldn't stand on it, but all the tests came back fine. The blood was gone, and I was able to come home.

Before I left the hospital the doctor told me for a few days it would feel like I was in a car wreck. Well, he was right. I woke up with a throbbing headache, my ribs hurt as did my legs, arms, back, and neck. I smashed into the log on my right side, so that's where most of the pain is. I can move all of my limbs, but can't put any pressure on my leg still. The doctor is concerned about this and said I would need an MRI if I still can't stand by Tuesday. I'm hoping it gets better by then. Nan's still just sad about the video not turning out, since it would have driven up the blog stats.

Wife Advice: What Might Have Been

2007-08-22T09:33:00.000-06:00

I am not sure if there is scientific evidence to support the idea that women are better writers than men, but this is my belief. I think most guys have had their wives look over a paper for school or an email for work. Before you do that, you should always consider this next piece of wife advice.

Lesson 5: Don't ask your wife to proofread the paper you just wrote if it includes "fabricated" material about her.

We had been married a couple years and were both undergrads. One semester I needed a few more credits to fill out my schedule, so I signed up for a marriage prep class. You can form your own opinion about how much I learned in this class. One of our assignments was to go on a date, during which we were to practice some communication skills we had learned during the class.

I wrote up a paper for the assignment, and asked my wife to proofread it before I turned it in. Unfortunately, I can't find the actual document to include here, but it went something like this:

I planned a romantic picnic in the mountains. We hiked up the trail and stopped toward the top of the mountain at a big flat rock. It was a gorgeous evening with a nice breeze. I spread out the blanket and arranged the food I had prepared. We enjoyed a nice dinner overlooking the valley. I expressed my feelings for her and we enjoyed a lengthy conversation. We discussed the different communication styles we have and how they compliment each other and how they might cause communication problems. We identified several areas we want to improve on and several areas that we want to continue.

Are you shocked yet, imagining a donkey like me pulling off a date like that? So was my wife. Especially when she was reading my paper and wondering why she didn't recollect anything I was talking about. Yep. All made up. I think I remembered about the assignment the night before, so I just tried to describe a date she might like. I also considered the communication problems we were having and wrote a little about that. Although we hadn't actually discussed it, I think I was probably on the right track. After my wife finished proofreading my paper, she came into the other room where I was watching tv. I could tell something was wrong, but really had no idea what it was.

"So, the last date I remember us having was you falling asleep during a movie that we had rented, after eating frozen burritos for dinner." She went on to explain how frustrating it was that I had made up this date, including an entire heart-to-heart conversation. I asked if she would have liked the date. She said yes. I then asked if the conversation would have gone the way I had described. She confirmed that it probably would have. I asked if the solutions I proposed sounded accurate. Once again she said yes. "So what is the problem?" I asked. She went on and on about the fact that I never take her out on dates and that we never have any meaningful conversations. To diffuse the situation, I suggested that I write more fictitious stories that she could read. She didn't find this amusing, so I just asked if she was finished correcting my paper. She said yes and left the room.

I got an 'A' on the paper and the teacher wrote something like, "Sounds like you guys really learned a lot about your communication styles!" I think we did.

Giants in NJ

2007-08-09T18:05:00.000-06:00

A while ago I lamented the fact that I will soon be classified as having a disability because the average height of the U.S. male is increasing all the time. I also mentioned that I feel even more out of place here in Utah since they are breeding giants, especially the women. Well, while in NJ I also ran into giants. Here is a photo with me, an old friend Eileen, and some of my brothers. As you can see, she towers over me! I guess I can't say that there are giants everywhere; I must admit that I am a midget no matter where I am. Maybe moving to Asia will help my self esteem?

A Most Unusual Request

2007-08-07T22:04:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I wished I owned one of these Mangroomers. Don Prickles stopped by and asked me to shave his back before he went in for his treatment! I honestly felt sick at the request, but I obliged. He had me do it with a Bic razor and no shaving cream. The first few passes got a lot of hair, but then the razor stopped working. I think it was because I had to rinse the razor off and then got water everywhere. The blade just glided over the prickles like oil on water. I couldn't believe it. The only other explanation is that the prickles were so coarse that the blade was rendered ineffective. I know that others of you have shaved the beast's back, and I feel for you. For those who haven't yet had the opportunity, avoid it. Just say no!

A Cruel Joke

2007-08-06T18:51:00.000-06:00

On Saturday, Pizza Man decided to play a trick on me. His accomplices included Don Prickles, Cheesesteak, and Elvis. Don called to tell me that he had some juicy gossip he wanted sell.

This is a common practice in my family. Information about other family members and friends is traded for other information. The person initiating the trade will give the other person a sense of how valuable the gossip is. "News of the day," "News of the week," or "News of the year" are all possible values. The person then decides if this gossip is worth it. Also, information can be shared freely during hot tub c onfessionals.

When Don called he told me it was "News of the Century," so of course I was all in. He then told me that he wasn't sure if I had anything worth that much. I assured him that I did. He gave me a few hints to get me excited and then told me I had to negotiate with Pizza Man. I called Pizza Man and he told me that the news was about a family member and that it was somewhat disturbing. After a lot of detective work, I discovered that the info was about Elvis. I had spent almost 2 hours up to this point collecting all of my information.

I then called Elvis and tricked him into confessing that there was indeed some gossip about him. He seemed upset, so I asked if I should just drop it. He said yes, so I did. I was disappointed, but thought I should respect his wishes. Don called about 30 minutes later and said he had to just tell me. He then explained how Elvis had gotten into a lot of trouble gambling. He told me that Elvis was $40,000 in debt. I immediately felt sick, and then Pizza Man came on the phone and said Elvis's wife would leave him if he didn't quit gambling. Don then got back on and said Elvis was going one more time to win the Big Kahuna. He then said I had to call him and talk him out of it.

As I thought about this, visions of me flying out there and confronting some goombas entered my mind. Could I talk them into cutting the debt in half? Maybe a few threats? How many people could I get behind me? I called the King and he said it was true and that he met these guys who operated a gambling ring. He was up $18,000 before losing it all and getting $40,000 under. I felt sick again and asked him to explain how this happened. At this point his story started to sound strange. Finally, he laughed and said he couldn't do it anymore. He admitted that it was all a joke.

I was relieved, but annoyed at the same time since I spent almost 3 hours trying to figure out what was going on. They all called and laughed. It was a good joke to be sure. I would have only been really upset had they obtained some of my information. They said they agreed beforehand that obtaining information in that manor would violate international gossip laws. I am glad to report that they still had some scruples left. Anyway, I have to get even and welcome any ideas. Please don't suggest anything about toupees, shaving hair, or the like, because it has all been done before.

Pirate Sighting at KFC

2007-08-02T23:59:00.000-06:00

Today we went to the KFC drive-thru, and I placed an order. I was shocked as I drove up to the window and saw the worker wearing an eye patch. While he was processing the order, I decided to point out to Tommy that a pirate was working at KFC. I yelled, "Tommy, look! A pirate at the drive-thru!" He looked at the man in awe, as I laughed to myself. Nancy didn't find this funny at all and tried to explain to Tommy that the man must have been hurt somehow and that he wasn't a pirate. Then she started explaining the purpose of an eye patch. Come on! I guess she needs to tell him about Santa next.

Wife Advice: Sorry For Being Sorry

2007-08-01T23:30:00.000-06:00

I think most of us guys have a hard time saying "I'm sorry" to our wives when we make mistakes. We get a little of that male bravado inhibiting our sensitive sides. And even if we do utter these words, sometimes the apology is not accepted. Perhaps you were insincere. Perhaps your words or actions were too egregious for a quick "I'm sorry." With this foundation, I offer you this installment of Wife Advice.

Lesson 4: Being sorry that you got yourself into a bad situation doesn't count as "Being Sorry."

As you might guess, I am frequently getting myself into all sorts of trouble with my wife. For instance, I recall not too long ago pointing out that she had spilled food on her shirt while eating. I said something about wanting a dainty wife--one who wouldn't drop food all over the place all the time. She seemed shocked by my statement, and I received a sharp, well-deserved rebuke. I knew I was in trouble, and quickly entered the first stage of seeking forgiveness: recognizing that an apology was in order. This alone was an accomplishment for me, but I was even able to take it to the second stage: issuing an apology. Unfortunately, in the meantime I was feeling annoyed that I was getting in trouble despite the fact that I wasn't the one spilling food. I gave a quick sorry and continued with my business. It's possible that I also gave a little chuckle about what I had said. She exclaimed, "Don't say sorry if you aren't actually sorry."

I told that I was sorry. Again quite insincere, but I thought maybe she would be pacified. Incorrect. She continued to explain that saying sorry to smooth things over is worse than not saying sorry at all.

WARNING: You might be tempted to not say sorry anymore based on that last statement, but this is a trap. Don't fall in. They really want you to say sorry.

Anyway, I felt cornered because she was right; I really wasn't that sorry for telling her that spilling food wasn't dainty. But then I realized that I was actually sorry. I said, "Listen, I really am sorry. I am sorry that I am in this situation. I am sorry that I am being yelled at. I am sorry that I saw you spill your food on yourself."

I had managed to say sorry and mean it: Victory! Or so I thought. I was being completely honest in my sorry statements, but again, this did not go over well. She said, "Don't be ridiculous. You didn't mean that at first. Plus, I don't want to hear that you are sorry that you got yourself into trouble; I want to hear that you feel sorrow for what you did that hurt my feelings."

I thought about it and still thought that I had a good case, but resigned myself to provide an almost sincere apology and move into the third stage of seeking forgiveness: providing a hug. This appeased her and she proceeded to clean the food off her face, shirt, and couch.

My suggestion: Resist the urge to say that you are sorry when the only remorse you feel is for the situation you have gotten yourself into. That doesn't count as being sorry. And if you do make that mistake, be sure to say sorry.

Monkey Love

2007-07-31T23:43:00.000-06:00

During my trip to NJ I had the glorious opportunity to hang out with the Clark Family's favorite monkey: Dave Boylston (aka Eoylston and his Red Fox). I went out to eat several times with the Monkey and some of my brothers and friends. A question was posed to the said Monkey: "Who is the cutest Clark?"

Our Monkey friend thought for a while and said, "Tom (Lord Baldemort)." I was disappointed and argued for top billing and the Monkey restated, "Well, Tom in his prime. I guess right now I would have to go with you." Although I had to coax him into it, I am proud to say that I am currently the cutest Clark in his mind. I think this picture confirms his feelings for me.

After seeing this picture, I think I might be on the top of the Moose's list too.

Red Beard's Castle

2007-07-30T21:48:00.000-06:00

Several weeks ago I posted possible options for Red Beard's new home since his lease was running up. We had several good options, but the buzzard went with something quite unexpected. Instead of a nice bridge to sleep under, the troll chose a camper. While in NJ, I was able to tour his location and take some photos.

Here is an outside picture of his new abode. The camper is on a farm in the woods. The area is kind of creepy--think Deliverance.Here we have a rare sighting of Red Beard. He is in his new home showing off his kitchen and guest bed (that checkered thing to the right of his head). He is anxious for someone to sleep over. Crepes and a smoothie anyone?Here is a picture of the other side of the house. You can see Red Beard on his bed. I guess it's not as small as we have heard; after all, he can fit a moose in there. Overall it was quite an interesting experience. I am not sure if I could do it, but then again I have never been a fan of camping. And yes, this rugged lifestyle certainly qualifies as camping in my book. The poor pirate has to urinate in old soda cans for crying out loud!

Donkey Directions: Have it Your Way

2007-07-20T08:06:00.000-06:00

Some of you (women) have been shocked and incensed by my wife advice column. I am sorry, but I am just a man trying to survive. You will be happy to know that this week's lesson is not really about a terrible mistake I made, but more about sound advice for your husbands. As always, it will help the husbands out there avoid the pitfalls that seem to follow me around.

The Donkey Says: When your wife argues with you on a fact, let her have her way.

This is perhaps the most valuable advice I have documented to date. Learn this, and you will be a happy man. Let me explain this lesson through a scenario (this and many similar scenarios have happened to me).

Scenario

You and your wife are driving to a party. You say, "I think we need to go right at the light up there." You are really just thinking out loud, not expecting a response, but for some reason your wife chirps, "No, it is a left." You think for a minute and say, "No, it is a right. I remember going that way last time." She counters, "You have a terrible memory. I remember that it is a left." You start to get frustrated and say, "Listen, I drove last time and remember making a right." She says, "Well I was in the car too if you remember, and we certainly made a left." At that moment, right when you are about to say something you will regret, you need to relax and say, "You know, I will make a left." Your wife is surprised. She wonders if you are serious, and by George, you are. You make the left. There are two possible outcomes: 1) your wife is right and the car is heading in the right direction; 2) you were right and the car is now heading in the wrong direction.

Outcome 1: Your wife is correct. Are you better off? Yes. You saved time and showed your wife that you were willing to listen to her.

Outcome 2: You were right. Are you better off? Absolutely! Time has been wasted, but you have been vindicated. The key here is not to gloat. Just turn the car around and start driving in the right direction. You can throw on a slight smirk to let yourself know that you have triumphed. Just be ready to deny the smirk in case she sees it. Nice work.

This technique really works well when the argument can actually be proven. WARNING: DO NOT USE in cases where you are dealing with opinions that cannot be proven or when the situation is serious enough that a wrong answer is too costly.

Remember: Always go with what she says. You'll come up with aces every time.

"Weird Al" Coming Soon

2007-07-19T00:34:00.001-06:00

I am so excited that "Weird Al" will be performing again here in Utah. The concert is in September at the Utah State Fair Park (same as last time). Gump and I had a really fun time last time, and we were able to sneak really close. I took some photos:

This is the stage. We got way closer later.

Here are some idiots sparring to discover who the biggest creep is. They probably thought they would be performing during The Saga Begins. Major creeps.

Doomed with a Disability

2007-07-17T08:16:00.000-06:00

I work in the field of human resources, and I occasionally deal with employee disability issues. Managers will sometimes ask me what qualifies as a disability; I usually point them to definitions such as "an employee who has an impairment or perceived impairment that substantially limits one or more major life activities." I've thought about this several times and have realized something scary: I will soon be classified as disabled. In fact, I may already be considered disabled, especially living in Utah. Let me tell you why: First of all, I am very short. I am only 5'6". Although not considered a midget, in time I will be one. The reason is obvious: the U.S. population will continue to get taller while I remain the same or get shorter. The average male height in 1900 was 5'6", but because of better eating, stricter limitations on immigration, and giants in Utah, the average U.S. man is currently 5'10". In about 50 years I predict the average male height to be 6'5", and I will be at least a foot shorter than that by then.

I am especially under the average height here in Utah. I walk through the grocery stores amidst giants, both male and female. Several months ago my brother and I were marveling over the number of women over 6'0". Every guy out here is at least 6'0" while most are much taller. I swim through a sea of legs as I try to get to the front of a line.

Finally, a 'perceived disability,' is just that - one of perception. In New Jersey I wouldn't be perceived as being disabled, but in other parts of the country, people would consider me disabled--unable to perform basic activities like slamming a basketball.

So I am here to predict that at some point in the future I will be classified as disabled, unable to do the normal things that all you other giants can do. But hey, at least I will have a parking pass.

I need your support

2007-07-13T17:20:00.000-06:00

Nancy is claiming that she is not from a farm. Faithful followers, you know the truth. She has put a poll on her site asking whether or not she is from a farm. I am losing the vote and need some support. I am sure you will vote in my favor anyway, but feel free to read my arument and you will be fully justified. Click here to vote (it is on the left pane).

By the way, I lay claim to the name "Ringo." You may use the name in print form for $1 a spot. Here are the results of the poll:

Wife Advice: The “Calves” and “Calves Not”

2007-07-10T23:15:00.000-06:00

Lesson 3: If your wife compliments herself, let her enjoy the moment. Don’t offer additional explanations.

Several months ago, my wife was feeling down in the dumps. She had been working out for a while but didn’t feel like she was seeing results. I tried to explain that results would be much quicker with a little more consistency and careful eating. This wasn’t received well, but since she is used to my ways, it wasn’t a major problem. She said, “I’m just frustrated because I look exactly the same and I am working hard.” She then said, with a positive ring in her voice, “But at least my calves are looking pretty defined.”

I observed her calves and thought that they were somewhat defined. I then proceeded to tell her why. “You see,” I said, “in my experience I have noticed that big people typically have nice defined legs. I think it’s because they are carrying around a lot of weight, and the legs get a lot of extra exercise.”

She didn’t appreciate my explanation on the matter and said, “If you refuse to pay me compliments, you could at least let me try to pay myself one.” I proceeded to tell her that I have scrawny legs because I am skinny, and that it isn’t a good thing either. Besides, at least she can lose weight and maintain the definition, while I need to bulk up and work hard to define my legs.

This was quite unconvincing and she ended the subject abruptly. Later she told me that I should have just agreed with her when she complimented herself.

My suggestion: Enjoy the fact that your wife is willing to compliment herself and save you the trouble.

The Official Creep Winner Is...

2007-07-09T22:54:00.000-06:00

It shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone that Lord Baldemort has been dubbed The Official Creep. I have decided not to copyright this title because I want it in the public domain for all to use. Red Beard ended in second place and seemed surprised that he had so many votes. Some of you wanted my name on the list, but after speaking to almost everyone, it was apparent that only 2 people would have actually voted, so quit crying. I am excited to see Harry Potter and to see what Lord Baldemort's brother looks like.

The Lineup and The Alamo

2007-07-09T07:49:00.000-06:00

(This is the Tippmann Castle at Skirmish in PA. This beast is 4 stories high!)

I was talking to the Moose yesterday, and we decided that we will do the lineup for paintball while I am out in NJ. For those who don’t know, this involves standing in a line with the other soldiers while being shot with an entire hopper. The person shooting is typically about 20-30 feet away, so those bad boys sting. We then rotate and the next person gets to shoot, until everyone has shot. It is worth it because you get to juice someone like you never have before. Perhaps the Moose can put some footage up of Homer getting shot last time.

I thought I would document one of the funniest paintball moments from over the years. It happened during our first trip to the paintball fields at Skirmish. This place is awesome if you haven’t been there yet.

Background: We were on a field called The Alamo. It had 4 high towers (2 stories high) on the corners of the field that one or two people could fit in. It also had a base in the center of the field that about 6 people could fit in. The base was on 4 stilts, with a ladder in the middle that you climb up. The floor of the base was about 5 feet from the ground, so enemies could hide under it. Once you climb up the ladder and are in the base, you are surrounded by 4 foot walls on 3 sides. This gives good protection to soldiers in the base. But there is no wall on the fourth side. In fact, it is wide open to attack. The object of this field is to keep at least one man alive for 15 minutes while the Alamo is under attack.

The Setup: We had about 22 people playing that day--11 on each team. Our team was in the alamo first. We put a few people in the towers, a few in the base, and a few on the ground. The enemy attacked, and we put up a good defense, but we were killed with about 2 minutes left. We switched sides and the whistle blew.

The Search: Our team, now on the offensive and ready to avenge our loss, searched the field for the enemy. We secured each tower and quickly learned that the enemy decided not to occupy any of them. We searched every wood pile and cluster of bushes, but no enemy. We decided to rush the base. Half our team sprinted under the base and crouched down. But no shots. I decided to look up the ladder to see if anyone was up there. As soon as I did, shots rang down the ladder. I quickly jerked my head back to avoid being shot. I remembered seeing so many gun barrels and telling the team, “I think they are all up there.”

The Attack: We decided that we would walk under the base to the side that had no wall. We would lift up our guns blindly over the floor of the base (5 feet high) and fire. On the count of 3 we went and began firing.

The Massacre: We fired for what seemed to be minutes, but certainly it was more like 15 seconds. Just then a body came flying off the base right over our heads. I turned to look while I continued to fire and this body laid on the ground completely covered in paint. It was one of the enemy soldiers. He had launched himself off the base through the side with no wall. I kept shooting until it registered that this guy must have been shot 20 times. As the adrenaline wore down, the sounds of screams finally registered. Just then another body came flying out of the base and then another, and another. I ordered the troops to stop shooting. We came out from under the base and looked over the floor boards into the base. The rest of the team was huddled in the corner like a bunch of rowdy prisoners being disciplined with a water hose. Actually, it more looked like a bunch of illegal immigrants hiding in the back of an ice cream truck. I think you get the point.

The Conclusion: The team crawled out of the base. All were covered in paint. The younger kids playing with us were crying. Several had injuries. One guy had been shot in the face several times and the spray went through the ventilation of his mask and cut up his lips. They were really angry with us. Luckily it was the end of the day because there was now bad blood and things could have gotten crazy if we continued.

I thought about the carnage for a minute and realized this is something we would be doing again. In what context can you completely destroy your friends and family all in the name of fun? It was one of the greatest paintball massacres known to man, and I was able to be part of it. Perhaps there are others who can share some of their favorite paintball stories from other trips.

The Legacy Continues

2007-07-07T14:35:00.000-06:00

David made me a proud father the other day when he pulled his own 'Sure Buddy.' I was able to capture a few pictures of the insult.

The Victim: None other than Red Beard himself. How would it feel to be disgraced like that by your own one-year-old grandson?

Give Credit Where Credit Is Due

2007-07-03T14:20:00.000-06:00

There have been great debates over the ownership of nicknames, songs, etc. We should all agree that Homer and I have coined many a phrase. But one individual has gone unrecognized in all of this. That is why I feel a tribute to the King is in order: King of sideburns, grease, and nicknames. Although he is an elusive enigma, we should discuss a few of his gems:

Sure Buddy – Did you know that the Greaser is the owner of “Sure Buddy?” What a classic! He not only perfected the phrase, he also incorporated an entire body gyration that includes the ‘Sure Buddy’ hand signal.
Mr. Wrinkles – There is no doubt that you will be called ‘Mr. Wrinkles’ when you are near the Hound dog with a wrinkled white shirt. This is a straight to the point insult that will last generations.
Goofball – Another great that also speaks volumes in just one word. Variations of this name exist such as Goofenheimer and Goof.
The phrase that must not be mentioned – This phrase was uttered to Homer during an argument. It is actually too heinous to be mentioned, but I think most people know what I am referring to.
Inappropriate joke made at dinner – Although not an insult, this vintage joke lives on 10 years later. I imagine that Elvis still can’t find a camping buddy as a result.

There are many other great insults and stories that he should have credit for. Let's pay tribute to one of the sultans of insults. What else has he coined? Perhaps this tribute can pull him out of hiding.