From the Donkey's Lips

Skipper Dan - Another Weird Al Video

noreply@blogger.com (The Donkey) — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 02:47:00 +0000

I just watched this new video. It is an original and pretty good. I like the chorus and the song is kinda funny. It sounds kinda like Weezer.

New Weird Al Video: Craigslist

noreply@blogger.com (The Donkey) — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 17:39:00 +0000

Hey dudes. Check out this new video. Weird Al uses a style similar to The Doors.

Humiliation, Mary Jane, and a new Baby!

noreply@blogger.com (The Donkey) — Mon, 25 May 2009 19:13:00 +0000

The line of communication between my source and me is officially open again. Here are a couple of tidbits:

Turns out P-ronis showed up to work today at 6:45am. He was supposed to be there at 6:00am, but he slept in. He raced to work only to find out that he was 6 hours early. To add insult to injury, he forgot his badge and couldn’t get into the building. Frantically, he called Chris and continually asked, “What should I do? No one is here. What should I do?” Apparently this is all somehow Hollywood Tom’s fault. “He did this to me,” P-ronis said. “He never told me when I had to come to work.” A related story also indicates that Hollywood Tom also forgot to tell P-ronis when he had to wipe – more to come on that. A fund has been created to help collect donations for a giant sized clock that P-ronis can wear around his neck.
Early sources also indicate that one P-nut is harvesting a littly wacky tabacky in California and selling it to pharmacies. When asked to comment on the situation, she indicated that this is indeed true. “I like heard that if you grow it and then trim a little off the top and sell it you can make a lot of money.” Experts are analyzing her response to determine if she misheard the question or if she is collaborating on a new song with Lady Gaga.
Finally, the biggest news to hit the wire is a report indicating that a new nephew or niece is on the way. Speculations are swirling, but betting lines are placing 2-1 odds on the King himself, 4-1 odds on Mustachio, and 6-1 odds on none other than the Goat. Asked whether or not this rumor could apply to him, the Goat responded, “No waaaaaaay!”

Wii Play - Tanks

noreply@blogger.com (The Donkey) — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 22:35:00 +0000

I have always thought that level 20 was the last level in Tanks, but two weeks ago I was presented with level 21, and then 22, and 23. It was crazy. Yesterday I played and got to level 50. I only had one guy, and my finger slipped off the remote, so I died instantly. The other tanks were blank and shot fast missiles. Did you guys know about this? I am too lazy to find out what the final level is - maybe one of you can tell us.

Melonoma - Another Medical Discovery

noreply@blogger.com (The Donkey) — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 01:52:00 +0000

I know some people have been wondering what condition P-ronis has, and I am glad to announce that I have had yet another medical breakthrough. I call it Melonoma, not to be confused with Melanoma. Feel free to brush up on your medical knowledge by reading below.

Melonoma (pronounced 'melon' oma): a condition causing an unusually large head typically shaped like a large fuzzy melon. Those with this condition also typically have the intelligence of a melon.

Melanoma (prnounced mel'a'noma): a malignant tumor of melanocytes which are found predominantly in skin but also in the bowel and the eye.

As with Asburger's, the AMA does not currently recognize Melonoma as a disease, but we all know it when we see it.

Honeymooners Reunited At Last

noreply@blogger.com (The Donkey) — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 03:26:00 +0000

Pepperoni Pecks and Cactus Jack finally arrived in Salt Lake. I was able to eat lunch with them today and realized how crazy it is that the two of them are going to try living together again. Let's each guess how long they will live each other before Homer gets kicked out.

Asberger's or Asperger's? Neither. It's Asburger's

noreply@blogger.com (The Donkey) — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 01:03:00 +0000

I am notorious for self diagnosing my symptoms, but I think I nailed my current problem. I am very confident that I have Asburger's.

People kept telling me that I don't have this - especially my wife. They say things like, "You have a few quirks, but you certainly aren't autistic." I was very confused, but after some research I realized that they were talking about Asperger's (aka Asberger's). This is a form of autism that usually results in some difficulties with social interactions.

The confusion has occurred because my ailment is pronounced the same as the autistic syndrome previously mentioned: Ass-burgers.

In an effort to clear the muddied water, I will explain the syptoms of Asburger's:

Itchy butt
Cracks in the skin of the inner crevasse
Potential bleeding
Pain when wiping
Uncomfortable to sit for long periods of time (as if you are sitting on a spicy hamburger) - hence the name

Family members shouldn't worry about me. I don't think Asburger's is lifethreatening; it's just a little inconvenient.

This not only clears my good name, but I think it might be a successful diagnosis for others who suffer from similar symptoms which have gone undiagnosed.

(NOTE: Don't bother looking online for Asburger's or asking your doctor about it. The AMA doesn't formally recognize Asberger's at this time.)

A Bald Guy's Christmas Present List

noreply@blogger.com (The Donkey) — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 20:59:00 +0000

Cactus Jack was upset at the last present list I posted. We had a talk and here is a list of the Christmas presents he is hoping for:

A wooden stick – this isn’t for him to use as he beats other drivers who get in his way. This is for his penniless, crippled neighbor 'Tim.'
A friend – we aren’t looking for a hot blonde. We need someone to assist him at the soup kitchen on Christmas day. You remember, he does this every year.
A 12-pack – of books of Book of Mormon (he has already handed out 23 in November alone.
A white shirt – not one for a wet T-shirt contest, a dress shirt. His last one got ruined when he chased down and returned a neighborhood dog as he skipped home from church.
A mask or gloves – please don’t confuse this with a ski mask or white, fingerprint protecting gloves. As coach of the inner city baseball league for youth, he has several players who could use some new equipment.
A backpack – I don’t think this needs to be explained, but he isn’t planning a shoplifting spree. He is volunteering at a local limbless children shelter and needs to carry the youngsters on his back has he hikes in the mountains.
Some hair and beard dye – He is trying to disguise himself, but don’t be fooled. The Salt Lake Coalition against poverty would like him to reprise his role as Santa on New Year’s Day.

What other presents might he like?

Robbie Is Finally Paying His Way

noreply@blogger.com (The Donkey) — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 04:20:00 +0000

Bad News: Robbie's medical bills are a joke. We hit our max out of pocket months ago, but we still have to pay for routine visits.

Good News: I just found out we get a handicapped parking tag since we have to lug an oxygen tank around. No more late arrivals to movie theaters for me!

Edelweiss or Analweiss?

noreply@blogger.com (The Donkey) — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 06:29:00 +0000

For the past few months I have been singing a song called Analweiss. All I have really done is change the word 'Edelweiss' to 'Analweiss' in the popular song from the musical Sound of Music. I think this is appropriate because I actually have an analweiss. I find this new version to be very easy on the ears and easy to sing.

The only problem is that this is the only word of the song I have changed. It gets complex as you sing the rest of the song, especially the line, "small and white, clean and bright," because some people don't have an analweiss that fits this description. And maybe you have one that fits this description one day and not the next. Like I said, it is a complex song.

May you bloom and grow forever...Analweiss, Analweiss

Bday Present Ideas For One Big Creep

noreply@blogger.com (The Donkey) — Sat, 25 Oct 2008 02:06:00 +0000

Did you know that Cactus J Creeptastic's bday is on November 6th? The greedy pig has asked me to publish a list of gifts he is hoping for. Please respond in the comment section with the gift you plan on purchasing so we don't get the same things. Here they are in no particular order:

Ladder
Binoculars
Flashlight
Black ski mask
Camouflage backpack
Phone Tap
Night vision goggles
Digital recording camera with 10000x optical zoom
Bionic ear (hearing device that enhances sound)
Rogaine
Levitra
50% off coupon for laser hair removal
Life supply of teeth whitening cream
6 tanning sessions (no fake rub-on tan cream please)
Oakley sunglasses

I am happy to take other recommendations too.

This Just In: 2 Wild and Crazy Guys

noreply@blogger.com (The Donkey) — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 13:51:00 +0000

Sources close to home have recently informed me that two young gents in NJ have recently been staying out very late with love interests. One of the young men was reportedly out until 5am while the other didn't come home until the next night. I don't want to reveal names, but I will say that there were several chewed up cans in the area and a bottle that said, "Shrink your head to normal size in 5 minutes."

International Love

noreply@blogger.com (The Donkey) — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 04:00:00 +0000

This just in (well, a month ago): Jubadiah Le Head has been in correspondence with a South American bambina. True love is great - unless it's gonna cost you $5 a call and 25 cents a text. So far this lover of the Lolitas has racked up over $300 in charges. This of course has infruriated Red Beard.

"I was planning on having him walk the plank, but what's the point? His head will keep him afloat anyway," the pirate said.

The good news is that he is in the middle of his first semester of Spanish. I believe the following video will help him as he tries to sweep this maraca playing beauty off her feet.

Eye For An Eye

noreply@blogger.com (The Donkey) — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 15:57:00 +0000

This week Robbie had his first eye exam. This is important because when babies are really early and need oxygen, the veins in their eyes can grow too rapidly. This causes the retina to rip off. The ophthalmologist and nurse told us that we might not want to be present because the exam is upsetting. I decided to stay to take a few pictures, but I must admit that it was upsetting. Here are a few pictures:
The ophthalmologist puts numbing eye drops in and then pries the baby's eyes open with a claw device. A Clockwork Orange anyone? Robbie cried so loud and sounded so sad. I decided that I should have a chance too. Well, I decided to just go with the numbing drops. The doctor allowed this and gave me a few drops. Here I am:

It felt pretty weird, but it wasn't as cool as I thought. The nurse said she had never had a request like this in 12 years and thought I was a little strange. Wait until we get to baby enemas! By the way, Robbie's eyes look really good. The doctor said they were better than most he looked at that day.

Devil In Disguise

noreply@blogger.com (The Donkey) — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 13:43:00 +0000

We went to Tommy's parent-teacher conference last week and he stopped to show us his locker.
I was wondering why he kept making this face in front of his locker, but then I saw his locker number.It's a little fuzzy, but his locker number is 666. Like I always say, "Dig a little deeper and things typically make sense."

Cool or Uncool: Watching Guys Eat Ice Cream

noreply@blogger.com (The Donkey) — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 14:50:00 +0000

Uncool

Two male co-workers and I got ice cream cones on the way back from lunch the other day. As we ate the ice cream, we realized that it was painfully uncomfortable to watch each other eat the ice cream.

Sausages and Apple Juice...

noreply@blogger.com (The Donkey) — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 03:42:00 +0000

...Tommy's latest description of what he did in the toilet during his last bathroom visit.

Michael responded, "No, it's beef jerky and peanut butter."

By the way, you only have until 11pm (Monday the 4th) to sign up for the wifeadvice giveaway. Click here to go to the post.

25 Top High School Movies Of All Time

noreply@blogger.com (The Donkey) — Sat, 02 Aug 2008 13:37:00 +0000

It was not surprise that The Breakfast Club topped Entertainment Weekly's list, but I was shocked that 3 O'clock High didn't make the list at all. It wasn't a commercial success, but it certainly should have it's place. Better Off Dead was another great movie that didn't make the list. You can click through to see the entire list here.

Here's a great quote from a classic movie that got snubbed:
Tell all your little friends there's no escape from the Duker.

Mono-grossiosis

noreply@blogger.com (The Donkey) — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 04:30:00 +0000

Sources confirmed today that P-ronis has contracted mono. Lab results were returned today and P-ronis was shocked. "I don't know how this happened. It must be a mistake. I called for a revote."

When asked whether or not he could continue to work he said, "Delivering pizza isn't easy. You gotta fold some boxes, drive around, and count money. If you aren't on your game, someone might try to slip you a five instead of a ten. And who can tell the difference between those old guys on the bills?"

GO-T, brother to P-ronis and wanted for eating cans, provided some insight on how the virus was contracted. "Best I can reckon is that he done got that from his visits to PA. I also seen him with some new womens at the house."

Mono typically affects a person for 2-5 weeks. P-ronis insists that he will rise to and meet this challenge. "I won't give up. This thing can't beat me. Remember that triple burger cowabunga back in 99? Who's still around? 'Nuff said."

Georgy Porgy Pudding In His Heart

noreply@blogger.com (The Donkey) — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 14:20:00 +0000

George Carlin died of heart failure over the weekend. FYI.

May The Males Live On! Vote for me

noreply@blogger.com (The Donkey) — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 18:30:00 +0000

We have a debate on Wife Advice and you have to vote for me. If Nando Commando wins the debate she gets to name the kid, and she wants to name it some farm name. I'm ok if she names the girl, but not the boy. Right now she is thinking Rusty or Colby. Please vote for me before the poll closes. Click here. Don't let the Clark name be disgraced.

Sometimes things just work out

noreply@blogger.com (The Donkey) — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 14:21:00 +0000

Sticky Fingers Strikes Back

noreply@blogger.com (The Donkey) — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 18:41:00 +0000

Some of you may be aware that Red Beard's ship was broken into yesterday. Reports couldn't be published until the investigation was underway. So far it has been determined that Red Beard's wallet and P-ronis' Nintendo Wii were stolen. The bandits were charging like crazy for nearly 12 hours until the banks finally canceled the credit cards.

There are several unfortunate events of this incident.

The front door was left unlocked. Billy Goat is believed to have left the door open as he went out to graze on some cans that were dumped in a nearby recycling container.
Goat and P-ronis actually heard the burglar break into the house. They heard the door open and someone walking around, but decided not to interrupt their video game to see what was going on. Instead, they decided to believe that Red Beard was sleep walking again. (A result of years at sea.)
Red Beard's booty was known to the neighbors. On his last expedition, Red Beard collected over 100 pounds of precious jewels and treasure. He was not discrete as he carried his loot into the house.

Police haven't been very helpful at this point, and it looks like the law will be brought to the hands of vigilantes. Long live justice!

Latest Family Gossip

noreply@blogger.com (The Donkey) — Thu, 29 May 2008 22:35:00 +0000

Several pieces of new info were recently released to me:

Fast Fingers Freddy: Sources report that one Mr. E Goat has sticky hands. Apparently the authorities were not involved but the damage was done. Long time girlfriend Rooskie Rosie has threatened to sever ties if he continues to try for 5-finger discounts.
Warrant (not the band, the call for an arrest): Two individuals are having trouble paying tickets. One of these incidents has led to a warrant. Luckily things seems to be moving in the right direction and jail time seems avoidable.
Honeymoon in Pennsylvania: New information points to the fact that P-ronis is now taking overnight trips to PA with a "friend." I can't reveal the identity of his friend because it is just too controversial right now.
Honeymoon in Oregon and St George: Not to be outdone, Cactimus Primate recently returned from a 4-day trip with his girlfriend and is turning around and going straight down to St George for another 4-day trip.
Back-hair gone wild: I haven't confirmed this, but sources tell me that a full mustache was found on Mustachio's back. It is in the shape of a handlebar and is red and blonde. Way to go!

Public Restrooms: Which spot to take?

noreply@blogger.com (The Donkey) — Wed, 21 May 2008 06:14:00 +0000

The first thing I do when entering the bathroom is survey my options. In this post I will address how to handle a #1 situation.

Going #1
I consider 3 locations: the urinals, the stalls, or the floor. The floor isn't usually an option, but I have on occasion had to pee down a drain because there were too many insects crawling on the toilets or urinals. The typical choice is the urinal. But you can't pick any urinal. When choosing I consider several things:

Is someone next to me? This is the most important thing. You just can't go next to someone unless you have no options.
It's gotta have dividers. If you have no dividers and are forced to go next to someone you need to find a stall or abort the mission. It just isn't worth it. Dividers provide some privacy.
Get next to a wall. This allows me to turn in case some perp tries to spy on me.
Consider height. I have used a few that are so tall that I find myself almost resting on the lip of the urinal. It's not meant to be a cup. That is just nasty. I don't really like the midget ones either because I am worried that my mind may wonder and I could end up soaking my feet.
Self flush is also preferred, but a lot of people don't care if the urinal isn't flushed, so that isn't a deal breaker.
Foreign objects in the urinal. I really hate to pee on gum, food, buggers, and other objects in the urinal. Again, it isn't a deal breaker, but I avoid it if I have options. I also hate to pee in a urinal that is still flushing.

As I mentioned, a stall is ideal when there are no dividers and you have to stand next to someone. I refuse to do that. I go to a stall and check for remains and stains. I don't think I need to go into detail. I like to find one with a closing door or no door. I hate the in between door because people will walk in on you and hit you with the door. You then pee all over the place and get embarrassed. It is important to look at the floor too. I hate stepping in bodily fluids and will choose another stall if I can tell something nasty is on the floor. I will use a stall next to someone no matter what they are doing, so that is pretty much all I consider when choosing a stall for a #1.

I hope I didn't miss anything vital. I will next address choosing a stall for a #2.