Asberger's or Asperger's? Neither. It's Asburger's

I am notorious for self diagnosing my symptoms, but I think I nailed my current problem. I am very confident that I have Asburger's.

People kept telling me that I don't have this - especially my wife. They say things like, "You have a few quirks, but you certainly aren't autistic." I was very confused, but after some research I realized that they were talking about Asperger's (aka Asberger's). This is a form of autism that usually results in some difficulties with social interactions.

The confusion has occurred because my ailment is pronounced the same as the autistic syndrome previously mentioned: Ass-burgers.

In an effort to clear the muddied water, I will explain the syptoms of Asburger's:

• Itchy butt
• Cracks in the skin of the inner crevasse
  
• Potential bleeding
• Pain when wiping
  
• Uncomfortable to sit for long periods of time (as if you are sitting on a spicy hamburger) - hence the name

Family members shouldn't worry about me. I don't think Asburger's is lifethreatening; it's just a little inconvenient.

This not only clears my good name, but I think it might be a successful diagnosis for others who suffer from similar symptoms which have gone undiagnosed.

(NOTE: Don't bother looking online for Asburger's or asking your doctor about it. The AMA doesn't formally recognize Asberger's at this time.)

A Bald Guy's Christmas Present List

Cactus Jack was upset at the last present list I posted. We had a talk and here is a list of the Christmas presents he is hoping for:

• A wooden stick – this isn’t for him to use as he beats other drivers who get in his way. This is for his penniless, crippled neighbor 'Tim.'
• A friend – we aren’t looking for a hot blonde. We need someone to assist him at the soup kitchen on Christmas day. You remember, he does this every year.
• A 12-pack – of books of Book of Mormon (he has already handed out 23 in November alone.
• A white shirt – not one for a wet T-shirt contest, a dress shirt. His last one got ruined when he chased down and returned a neighborhood dog as he skipped home from church.
• A mask or gloves – please don’t confuse this with a ski mask or white, fingerprint protecting gloves. As coach of the inner city baseball league for youth, he has several players who could use some new equipment.
• A backpack – I don’t think this needs to be explained, but he isn’t planning a shoplifting spree. He is volunteering at a local limbless children shelter and needs to carry the youngsters on his back has he hikes in the mountains.
• Some hair and beard dye – He is trying to disguise himself, but don’t be fooled. The Salt Lake Coalition against poverty would like him to reprise his role as Santa on New Year’s Day.
  

What other presents might he like?