Latest Family Gossip

Several pieces of new info were recently released to me:

• Fast Fingers Freddy: Sources report that one Mr. E Goat has sticky hands. Apparently the authorities were not involved but the damage was done. Long time girlfriend Rooskie Rosie has threatened to sever ties if he continues to try for 5-finger discounts.
• Warrant (not the band, the call for an arrest): Two individuals are having trouble paying tickets. One of these incidents has led to a warrant. Luckily things seems to be moving in the right direction and jail time seems avoidable.
• Honeymoon in Pennsylvania: New information points to the fact that P-ronis is now taking overnight trips to PA with a "friend." I can't reveal the identity of his friend because it is just too controversial right now.
• Honeymoon in Oregon and St George: Not to be outdone, Cactimus Primate recently returned from a 4-day trip with his girlfriend and is turning around and going straight down to St George for another 4-day trip.
  
• Back-hair gone wild: I haven't confirmed this, but sources tell me that a full mustache was found on Mustachio's back. It is in the shape of a handlebar and is red and blonde. Way to go!

Public Restrooms: Which spot to take?

The first thing I do when entering the bathroom is survey my options. In this post I will address how to handle a #1 situation.

Going #1
I consider 3 locations: the urinals, the stalls, or the floor. The floor isn't usually an option, but I have on occasion had to pee down a drain because there were too many insects crawling on the toilets or urinals. The typical choice is the urinal. But you can't pick any urinal. When choosing I consider several things:

• Is someone next to me? This is the most important thing. You just can't go next to someone unless you have no options.
  
• It's gotta have dividers. If you have no dividers and are forced to go next to someone you need to find a stall or abort the mission. It just isn't worth it. Dividers provide some privacy.
  
• Get next to a wall. This allows me to turn in case some perp tries to spy on me.
  
• Consider height. I have used a few that are so tall that I find myself almost resting on the lip of the urinal. It's not meant to be a cup. That is just nasty. I don't really like the midget ones either because I am worried that my mind may wonder and I could end up soaking my feet.
  
• Self flush is also preferred, but a lot of people don't care if the urinal isn't flushed, so that isn't a deal breaker.
• Foreign objects in the urinal. I really hate to pee on gum, food, buggers, and other objects in the urinal. Again, it isn't a deal breaker, but I avoid it if I have options. I also hate to pee in a urinal that is still flushing.
  

As I mentioned, a stall is ideal when there are no dividers and you have to stand next to someone. I refuse to do that. I go to a stall and check for remains and stains. I don't think I need to go into detail. I like to find one with a closing door or no door. I hate the in between door because people will walk in on you and hit you with the door. You then pee all over the place and get embarrassed. It is important to look at the floor too. I hate stepping in bodily fluids and will choose another stall if I can tell something nasty is on the floor. I will use a stall next to someone no matter what they are doing, so that is pretty much all I consider when choosing a stall for a #1.

I hope I didn't miss anything vital. I will next address choosing a stall for a #2.

3 O'Clock High Quote #1

I think I should post some of my favorite quotes from my favorite movie of all time. Here is today's quote:

Jerry: "Let's just forget this ever happened." (touches Buddy's jacket and smiles)
Buddy: "You're never gonna forget this happened."

In case you are wondering, I just got back from a Giants' game. It was pretty fun. We weaseled our way down to 1 row away from the visitors' dugout for the last few innings. It was perfect weather and we got to heckle an Astros coach who had a funky 80s mustache. No, it wasn't Red Beard.

Public Restrooms: Finding A Secluded Spot

You know someone is an expert on public restrooms if the person can quickly list the best bathrooms in whatever building they're in. When I went to college and at each of my jobs, I always identified the best public bathrooms. How do I define the best bathroom? Let me list in order my criteria:

• Secluded - this is more important than anything, even cleanliness. Busy bathrooms are usually a recipe for disaster, plus they attract creeps. You gotta find that secret bathroom that no one knows about. It is usually cleaner and is free of riff raff.
  
• Locking stall doors/urinal dividers - These are essential, especially in a busy bathroom. I can't believe people will unload the dumpster on a toilet with an nonfunctional door. Ever see those doors that have the lock missing? It makes me think that the guy from No Country For Old Men just blew out the lock.
  
• Cleanliness - This is very important but not at the very top. I can always lay 3-5 layers of toilet paper on the seat or dance around urine splashed on the floor, but I can't survive the free wheeling man at the urinal next to me who keeps glancing over since there is no divider. Call the cops on that guy!
• Automatic toilets, soap dispensers, sink, and paper towels - A happy bathroom patron is one who doesn't have to touch anything other than the bare essentials.
  
• Cleaning charts - This just makes me feel good. I'm pretty sure people are cleaning the bathrooms regularly when these charts are filled out. Even if some punk is just walking by and signing them without cleaning, at least I know I only have to lay on the floor unconscious for 4 hours if I am brutally attacked.
  
• Missing entrance door - Call me crazy, but I love the bathrooms with no entrance doors. This prevents perverts from locking me in and allows people to hear my screams if I am attacked or slip and fall into some bathroom byproducts.
  

I am sure there are other things that are important, but this is a list of some of the critical things I look for in the best bathrooms. What is important to you?

Hare Krishna Inductee

I try my best to include a little variety and spirituality when providing haircuts to others. Who can forget when I shaved Pete's eyebrow off? And what about the many times I have left a thin strip of hair on someone's head that they couldn't see? Gumperton asked me to shave his head when I was out visiting last month. I decided that he should start a Hare Krishna movement and so I left a little plop of hair on the back of his head. I think you'll find it reminiscent of the billy goat scruff on his chin. Anyway, me, red, nando, and homer were laughing when he walked in. I thought we were going to get away with it, but about 10 minutes later he discovered the hair. Below you will find pictures illustrating the sequence of events. Come on Gump, lighten up!

Public Restrooms: A Mulit-part Series. Dangers, Fears, Strategies, and Techniques

Paruresis
I have decided to write a series on public restrooms since I have a fear of them (paruresis). Perhaps this will help me deal with the problem. This fear has actually gotten much better over the years. I never went #2 in an elementary school restroom. That is no joke. I spent 5 years crafting a bathroom plan so I could avoid using them. If I ever had a diarrhea attack, I would run home since we lived just a few houses away. Things got better over the years, and in high school I was able to go in the nurse's bathroom if there was an emergency. In college I took it a step further and was able to go quite frequently. However, I would only do it in the most secluded of locations. Around that time I started having some stomach problems which required me to find a bathroom every few hours. Then I went on a mission and I had to throw the fear out the window because I had no other options. It was good for me and I can now use pretty much any bathroom. I would barely say I have a fear of public restrooms now.

But there are still things that creep me out about bathrooms, especially public ones. I decided to write some of my best known tips and tricks to feel safe in the bathroom. I will also point out some of the many things you should fear about public restrooms since you probably haven't thought about it as much as I have. I hope you can share your ideas so we can learn together. I think you will realize that I use a lot of the same techniques that you do when in the restroom.

The first thing I want to bring up is what should we call this location? Should it be a restroom? Are people actually resting in there? I know the girls oftentimes have a couch (nasty!), but I think it is weird to call it a restroom. I vote for bathroom. I have never taken a bath in a public restroom, but I have seen several homeless guys and a creep named Tom Clark (potential restroom danger!!) do it. Maybe you have some better ideas? Once we decide on a name, we can jump into this mess....not the bathroom of course.

Toothbrush or Teethbrush?

I told Tommy to pick up his toothbrush and he said, "Daddy, I think you are wrong. It should be called teethbrush." I think he might be right.

Family Gossip Revealed

My source has provided me with some new information:

• Someone in the family has a medical condition. I only know that the person has an 'A' in his first name. Come forward my friend, let us help...and laugh.
• A certain peanut will be moving to Turkey to become a slave; well, a nanny, but what's the difference? We encourage her to take out some life insurance and purchase a gas mask, baton, and some running shoes before the trip or we might be left with peanut butter.
• One 'P-ronis' is apparently quite close with several girls. I have confirmed that there have been several make-out sessions with both.

That's it for now, but I did receive a teaser from my source and wait till you hear what's next!