Twofer Friday

This just in: Sources indicate that someone is pregnant. I don't want to tell too much, but let me say that the baby may need to go through customs in a bomb-proof suitcase to get back to the U.S.

Gossip Alert!

This just in: One dude is getting an out-of-state visitor of the opposite sex soon. Let's just say she knows how to surf. That should give you a clue about who she is visiting.

Goodie Goodie Gum Drops

I have been flooded with information by anonymous sources, but this latest piece of information gathered less than 48 hours ago is truly legit.

A certain C. Primate has been on several dates with various girls. It was recently learned that C. Primate has yet to make a move however. Reasons are unclear, but it is believed to be a result of too many dangerous prickles and not enough hair. Look for more stories and new information is obtained.

This Just In: Tongue Tied

A reliable source (the victim actually) notified me on Saturday that she was left with saliva all over her face after an assault by none other than P-ronis. The accuser told me that she and P-ronis had just finished watching a movie together when she leaned in to give him a kiss on the cheek goodbye. He suddenly turned his head and slipped her the tongue as fast as Jason Stratham slid along the oil ridden floor in The Transporter. Horrified, she ran to her room in search of a mop to dry off her face. He has since denied the presence of the said tongue, but has confirmed that kissing took place.

Needed Controversy

I feel really disappointed in myself because I initially started this blog as a way to disclose the latest information on family members and friends. I have fallen away from my journalistic roots and need to get back! So here it is, the latest juice. Oh, and I decided to take a snopes approach to my research:

Claim: A certain sister allegedly provided Frappuccinos to Katie and Quin

Status: Unconfirmed

Origin: While at my house, Katie and Quin blurted out that Frappuccinos were gross. They then recounted a trip to Starbucks. At that time, their sister (who will remain unnamed) bought a Frappuccino to share. After some interrogation, the defendant admitted to buying a lemonade but refuted the fact that Katie was present. She also claims that she has only been in a Starbucks once. It just so happens that this incident was the one time she was in there. Hmmmm
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Claim: A prickly cactus has found true love

Status: False

Origin: This story originates as a result of the steady dating that has occurred over the past few weeks. From night clubs to long walks down the street, this Tomcat is on the prowl. I can confirm that several makeout sessions have happened recently, and my sources say that saliva was shared.
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Claim: Homerlicious returns to his old ways by sharing precious moments with his past flame

Status: True

Origin: Dancing Homer was said to be seen with his old girlfriend on at least 10 different occasions in just 3 weeks! This has been confirmed, and one witness reports that he walked out of his room with some lipstick smeared on his cheeks, ear, and 10% of his head - which is quite an accomplishment given the size of it.

These are just some of the recent claims. Look to my next report where I debunk a myth about a mustache, confirm the origins of a diet gone wrong, and clarify how exactly one man roams naked in his house.

Battle of the ages: 6-year-old vs 3-year-old

I have had some very interesting conversations with my kids recently that made me realize how different they are and what a difference a few years can have on the types of things they say.

Tommy (6 years old)

While at church I was trying to draw a square on a Magna Doodle. While I was drawing squares, Tommy blurted out, "Those aren't symmetrical."

I laughed a little and said, "Do you even know what symmetrical means?"

He said, "It means you can cut it in half and have the two pieces look the same."

"That's right," I said. I erased the board and took my time and tried to draw a perfect square. "Here," I said proudly.

"Nope. You messed up the top corner," he said. Indeed I had made a mistake. For the next 5 minutes we argued back and forth about my drawing abilities as I tried to carefully craft perfect circles, triangles, and other shapes.

The abuse continued later at home as I picked up objects and said, "Well this is symmetrical." He would always say it wasn't because of some slight defect or pattern on the object that couldn't be cut in half symmetrically.

"Do you think a quarter is symmetrical?" he asked. I told him it was.

"Nope. It can't be because it has the word liberty on it. You can't make liberty symmetrical."

"Well what should it say on the quarter to make it symmetrical?" I asked.

"Lion oil," he said. "That's a palindrome and you can cut that in half and have it be the same on both sides."

Is this kid serious?

Actually, I was thinking about it and lionoil can't really be split symmetrically because the 'N' wouldn't be symmetrical. I'll break his heart when I get home. That will teach him to question authority.

Michael (3 years old)

"Daddy, what's this I'm holding?" he asked as he waved a toy hammer.

"A hammer," I replied.

"No it's not," he said indignantly. "It's a movie star."

What the ??