Wife Advice: Tubthumped

Tubthumping was a song by the band Chumbawamba in 1997. I'm pretty sure they were a one-hit wonder here in the U.S., but the name of the song has always struck me as being very funny. Whenever someone bumps into me (physically smashes into my body with an arm, hip, or girthy leg), especially someone on the large side, I think to myself, "I just got tubthumped." I have no clue why I think this, but I do.

Lesson 7: Don't blame your wife if the two of you bump into each other.

I am on the smaller side--only 5'6" tall, and weighing in at a mere buck-35. Defining my wife's dimensions online would not be a good idea (although recently I did reveal her height and weight to a few people at work...oops), so let's just say she towers over me and is a gumball short of 2 bucks.

Anyway, throughout the course of everyday life, there are occasions when my wife and I will bump into each other while in the kitchen, walking by each other, or simply shuffling past each other in the closet. In almost all cases, these incidents occur when I am trying to carry something, in a rush, or completely oblivious to the potential dangers of being tubthumped. I typically get very annoyed and exaggerate a fall into the wall or pretend that my neck was just jolted back. I'm not sure what I am really looking for with these exaggerations, but I do know that I hate it every time.

The other day my wife and I were walking by each other in the hallway, and BOOM! I was thrown backward, but she also claimed to be thrown backward. As I was struggling for survival, my wife said, "You don't need to act like you just got run over by a herd of rhinos. Besides, it was your fault."

My fault? How could this have been my fault? I did marvel at the image she painted with her rhino simile, but then I thought, "Can it really be one person's fault if two people bump into each other?" I don't think so, but I still give credit to my wife for most of our run-ins.

"You ran into me. I was just walking by," I said.

"Well, I'm the one who got thrown back. That means it's your fault," she
retorted.

I then said, "Excuse me. You hit me and then I went flying. Are you honestly trying to tell me that I moved you all the way back there?" (In the meantime, she had inched back a little further to make the distance appear more dramatic.)

She then exclaimed angrily, "Whoever gets thrown back furthest is clearly not at fault."

In an instant I relived all of the punishment I had taken over the years--all the maulings I had been subjected to. I thought of all the responses I could make, but decided to avoid a conflict, and just let a small "humph" out under my breath. Unfortunately, my wife is an expert at interpreting those little humphs. "Don't even say it," she snapped, "I know exactly what you're thinking, and I don't want to hear it." Then she went into the voice she uses to impersonate me, which resembles a drunk man from the South with a swollen tongue: "If we're talking about who can knock who the furthest, then I think there is a clear culprit."

"Was that what about what you were thinking?" she asked

"Well, it's not like I have a lot of mass to move you with."

Understandably, she became quite irate and went on for a while about me talking about her weight, me blaming her all the time for things, and then it spiraled into whether or not I even love her (a subject for an upcoming Wife Advice!). I was wondering how I could extricate myself from the situation, and was literally saved by the bell when our friends showed up at the doorstep for a visit. We had a nice time and it seems that she has forgotten all about the incident (until she reads this post, that is).

My suggestion: If you get tubthumped by your wife, don't blame her. Take ownership and apologize. There is no need to go flying backward--even if you are trying to prove a point. Take the hit like a man and move on. You might even spin it in your favor by saying something like, "Oh, a little love tap!" However, if you are dwarfed by your wife, I might suggest some protective bodywear for safety's sake.

Veggie Week: Day 6 & 7

I have survived the first week of my experiment. Yesterday wasn't too bad at all. I did want to go with McRyan to get a Nacho Supreme, but was forced to rely on an apple pie from KFC, which was DA-LICIOUS. But that got me annoyed. I began my fast last night and continued until dinner tonight. I decided to break the fast with a BBQ. We had a bunch of people over for dinner, and I had a hamburger and a hot dog. I guess I could have ended the week on a true vegetarian note, but what the heck?

Likelihood of torturing a dog: 7.0% (Being a vegetarian wasn't so tough. I did feel hungry almost every day though. We'll see how the vegan thing goes. I have all the food purchased, and I am ready to begin.)

-Why is it called a hamburger and not a beefburger or meatburger? Someone look that up and let me know. Maybe one of you hard core bloggers can take a break and check that out for me and leave a comment.

Veggie Week: Day 5

I am not sure why people would subject themselves to this, but they must derive some pleasure. Today I went to a BBQ and had to stick with the side dishes while everyone else enjoyed hamburgers and hot dogs. 15 minutes later I was hungry and came home and ate more. You will be happy to know that I resisted ice cream today. Cheesesteak's kid helped me bring a table over to the BBQ area and stepped in dog poo. Sadly, the dog poo, and me missing the hot dogs/hamburgers has irked me.

Likelihood of torturing a dog: 10% (This is quite a jump, but I am getting sick of being hungry and weaker at the gym. Plus, why should we have to dodge dog poo like land mines? It just doesn't make sense.)

Veggie Week: Day 4

As Ice Cube once said, "I gotta say, today was a good day." Justin and I went to an Indian restaurant and I got a vegetarian coconut curry meal. It was very good. I was full all the way until 10pm. But at that time, I had another bowl of ice cream at home. What have I done? I have been able to resist soda for a few days now, so that is a plus as well.

Likelihood of torturing a dog: 5.0% (That curry dish gave me hope that a vegetarian life is possible.)

Tomorrow I will be including a new wife advice installment, so get ready!

Veggie Week: Day 3

(cholesterol molecule)

Well, there is a bit of bad news. I went to a health fair at work today and discovered that my cholesterol is really high. The lady who took the sample was surprised and told me to exercise and eat better. I decided to go to another booth because she couldn't have been right. I told this new booth what just happened, and they told me that it must have been a mistake. "You look healthy and are too young for a number like that." The lady at the new booth took a blood sample and confirmed what the person at the previous booth told me. She was very shocked. She also told me to exercise and to eat healthier.

I think I exercise quite a bit, and my eating habits aren't completely terrible, but I guess I should make a change. I am not sure what changes should be made. I just had my bloodwork done 5 months ago for a life insurance application, and my levels were much lower (I confirmed this when I got home by pulling out the report). In fact, I scored well enough on my reports to get the lowest risk rating.

What in the world has happened in 5 short months? Is this a result of my rope swing accident? I had to take 3 weeks off at the gym. Perhaps this is because I am back in school, with limited time to eat healthy meals. Or...an even more sinister culprit...maybe this is related to my recent vegetarian diet? Sure all the research says fruit and vegetables will decrease cholesteral, but as a vegetarian, I can consume as much ice cream as I want (which I have been doing).

The vegetarian thing has been a little annoying today. I had to eat a salad and another grilled cheese sandwich for lunch. For dinner, I had beans, rice, and vegetables made by Amazonia(Cheesesteak's wife). It was good, but it doesn't fill me up like meat does. I was so hungry that I had to eat some ice cream. I couldn't resist. I'm sure my cholesterol will be higher tomorrow, but will it be because of the ice cream, or the lack of meat?

Likelihood of torturing a dog: 6.9% (I'm 3 times as likely today because I'm miffed about this cholesterol thing. Maybe if I had some dog meat my cholesterol would be lower?)

Veggie Week: Day 2

I have wrapped up 2 days of my vegetarian week. It hasn't been difficult, just inconvenient. I have almost eaten meat for lunch and dinner both days. Yesterday I had a few Hawaiin pizza slices and realized at the last minute that they had ham. I had to pick the ham off before eating. Then I almost ate chili for dinner and instead had to eat some cereal. I should have prepared a few meals in advance so I wouldn't run into this problem. This is definitely going to need to be in place for the vegan week (next week).

Likelihood of torturing a dog: 2.3% (Maintaining the probability)

Vegan Nation!

My cousin's husband published an interesting post a few weeks ago on the relationship between Michael Vick torturing dogs and people who eat meat (omnivores or carnivores). I didn't read it very carefully, but I gathered that he was saying that people are hypocrites if they eat meat and at the same time scorn Mister Vick for hanging and gutting dogs.

At first I thought this was crazy. Is eating a hamburger really the same as strapping a dog upside down and beating it to death? I guess I never thought about it. Perhaps he is right.

The topic has peaked my interest, and I am now on a crusade to find out if torturing dogs is the same or even related to eating meat.

Starting today, I will begin a vegetarian diet. I will continue this for one week. I will then get more extreme and move to a vegan diet for one week. Each day I will document the likelihood of me torturing a dog. At the end of this experiment, I will know if eating a hamburger is truly similar or related to torturing animals.

Last night we had Lord Baldemort and Cheesesteak's family over for a fondue party to kick off the event. Let's just say I stored up enough meat for this 2 week experiment! It was very tasty. Don't worry "Chas"tity, we will have you over for fondue when the trial run is completed.

Likelihood of torturing a dog: 2.3% (There is the off chance of me stooping this low if my child were to be brutally killed and eaten by a dog. The dingo stole my baby!)

Dr. Donkey: A Fine Mess

The doctor is in and ready for his first question!

Dr. Donkey:

I have an issue that I've been dealing with for most of my marriage that I need some advice on how to manage. My wife is a stay at home mom while I work full time out of the house. My issue is regarding the role of the stay at home mom. My understanding was that by making the decision to stay at home to be with the children (which I agree is the right decision to make if your circumstances allow for it) that the wife's responsibilities would also include maintaining a clean and orderly house. Was I wrong in assuming that this falls under the role of housewife? Now don't get me wrong I'm not saying that all the cleaning needs to be done by the female, I'm all for helping out around the house and currently do a large portion of the cleaning in our house, but is it too much to expect a tidy house upon arriving home from work? I know that our children can be quite the handful, but for some reason when I have them on the weekend I can still manage to watch them and clean the entire house myself. Dr. Donkey give me your thoughts. My wife is a great lady and works hard I just wish I could have a house that was a bit more tidy.


Despondent Working Man:

Meatloaf is one of the most boring meals around, yet I love it so much. I remember calling Nancy one day to ask her to make it for dinner. She agreed, and I spent the day looking forward to the meal. When I came home, however, there was no smell of meat cooking. No ketchup or spice aroma. No, the only thing I noticed was a giant mess, with a slight hint of dirty diaper in the air. The kids were doing something upstairs that sounded dangerous and the baby was crawling around whining. As I surveyed the house, I realized that something terrible must have happened during the day. As my wife sat on the couch reading blogs, I thought, "How could this be? Shouldn't she be cleaning or taking care of the kids? And what about that meatloaf? Don't I deserve a meal when I come home from work?"

Your concern is a familiar one for most men, yet the answer is as elusive as that meatloaf I was looking for. Is cleaning a housewife's duty? Unfortunately there is no answer, only opinion. Here is my opinion: A stay at home mom should consider cleaning the house as part of her duty. There are days though that are too crazy for an effective cleaning job. I can't imagine having the home clean every day at 5:30pm when the bread winner walks through the door. I also think that the duties in the evening should be split between the couple. It sounds like you are very helpful in the evening and I applaud you. But coming home to a messy house can be very frustrating after a hectic day at work, especially if it occurs on a regular basis.

It sounds like you need to bring this topic up with your wife. There are a few approaches that I have tried over the years. Before I discuss the approaches though, there are a few considerations:

• You must recognize that your wife considers being at home as “work.” Maybe you find being at home for the day enjoyable and that running the ship is more of an adventure than a chore. This is only your perspective. For her, the home is her office.
• Don't use the argument, "I could easily manage it without a problem for the day" because that doesn't count. Her retort will be, "You are exactly right--you can do it for a day." I have even spent several 4-day weekends on my own with the kids and I try using that exact logic, but logic will always lose out to the female perspective.
• It sounds like you haven't brought this topic up with her, so she may not realize that you expect her to clean. Perhaps she considers cleaning to be going the extra mile.

With those considerations on the table, I can now provide you with some helpful tips on how you might broach the subject. Some of my approaches are listed below, in order of effectiveness; the results have ranged from getting me into trouble, to making me feel triumphant to actually solving the problem.

1. Let the mess get so gross that she is forced to take action. Fake a fall as you try to climb over the clothes pile. Lose her toothbrush under the dirty hand towel on the floor. Cry out, "Good gosh there are ants everywhere!" while looking at the food on the floor in the kitchen. (Ants don't really need to be present.) This hasn't typically been effective for me, but it might be a short term solution to get the house clean once or twice.
2. Ask her where the phone is. She will begin to look. Little does she know that you have hidden the phone under a pile of her sandals that she has left in the entry way. After about 10 minutes, yell out "Eureka!" as you unearth the device. (For added effect, hide somthing she truly values so the concern is intensified, maybe the remote control or her Danielle Steele "novel.")
3. Wait until your wife is near the messiest room. Walk in right as she passes and let out a shriek. When she asks what's wrong, tell her nothing with a clearly disturbed look as you survey the area. She will likely catch on and you can discuss the situation, but she might be more clever than that and completely ignore you. Move on to option 4.
4. Come home and tell your wife that you want to go out on a date, holding some fake tickets in your hands. Act really excited and then walk by the mess while she is nearby and look disappointed. If this doesn't prompt a response, you can say to yourself, just audible enough for her to hear, "I guess I need to stay home and clean." Rip up the tickets and start cleaning.
5. If that doesn't work, here is a sure proof idea. Come right out and question the mess. She will bite on the bait and say, "Well why don't you clean it up." Stare at the ground with a puzzled face and say blankly, "I do have one more vacation day. I guess I can take a day off next week to sweep the floor." This is a dangerous one, but I always love it. It typically gets me in trouble, but boy do I feel good after I say it!
6. Just clean. Come home and clean. Don't say anything. Walk in, get changed, ask for a sponge so she knows you are cleaning, and then go nuts. Clean all night. Ignore the calls for dinner. Stay up well into the night cleaning. Do this again the next day and the next day. Eventually she may see the point and begin to pitch in.
7. Divide and conquer. You might offer to vacuum and do the dishes, while she does the laundry and cooks. She might accuse you of ordering her around, but she might realize she is getting off lucky by only doing half the work.
8. Tell her that you recognize that she must have had a hard day. Tell her that you really appreciate it when the house is clean, but that you understand that it's a hard job every day. Then ask for your meatloaf.

Hopefully this helps. You are in a difficult position, but there is hope.

Don't forget to write in your tough questions so the doctor can help YOU!

Censorship Issues

I have received several angry emails and calls because there haven't been any recent posts. A post has been completed, but is being reviewed for content. Let me explain the process:

• The post is created by me
• The post is then evaluated by a stringent review committee (wife)
• Negotiations are made to ensure that the post is appropriate
• The post is rewritten
• The post is then evaluated again by the committee
• Final changes are made
• The post is then up for you to enjoy

You may find this form of censorship unfair, but I must support it. I hope to have something approved tonight.

Ask the Donkey: Introduction

Wife Advice is proving to be a very popular topic. As a result, I have received many requests for wife advice on various topics that I have not posted. I have been counseling individuals in-person and on the phone with their questions, but I feel like this knowledge would be beneficial for all--not just for one.

I am pleased to announce "Ask the Donkey." I will answer your tough questions/situations on marriage topics. These questions/situations can come from both males and females. Answers will be based on research and my own life experiences. After all, 8 years of marriage gives me a good foundation to work from. Plus, I have proven that I have excellent advice to share. Questions from singles and the recently engaged are also accepted and encouraged.

You can simply email me (douglasjlampwick@gmail.com) or you can leave your question/situation in one of the comment sections. Questions will be selected based on relevant issues of the day, urgency of the problem, and public interest. Please keep all requests appropriate. I am not a love doctor, just a man on a mission to save relationships. I will answer questions on a weekly basis. The flood gates are now open.

Wife Advice: Laughter Is Not Always The Best Medicine

I think Jack Handy said it best: "Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis." It is very clear to me that laughter is not always the best form of medicine, as evidenced by this week's wife advice.

Lesson 6: Don't laugh when you see your wife's new haircut.

My wife recently went to get her hair cut. I think she was trying to make it a surprise so she could then get mad at me for not noticing. Luckily I found out she was going to be gone for a few hours and she had to admit that it was because she was going to get her hair cut.

Later that evening I came home and called to ask her to come out and help me bring a bunch of stuff in from the car. A few minutes later I saw this lady walking toward the car. For a split second I thought, "Who is this coming toward me?" I realized that it was my wife. She had cut at least 7 inches off, cut bangs, straightened it, and got highlights. She looked so different that my only response was to laugh. She opened the door and said, "What's so funny?" I could only get out, "Your hair!"

I continued to chuckle sporadically as we walked inside and then again for another 5-10 minutes while we were inside. She became quite perturbed and said, "Laughing isn't really an appropriate response for a haircut." I then started digging a hole that would eventually require a harness and rope to get out of. I said, "Listen, I think I like it, but I am not quite sure yet." After a little more laughter--and a little more getting scolded--I said, "I think it makes you look younger, but at the same time older. But the strange thing is, you look skinnier, but it also seems like your stomach is sticking out more."

I knew that last comment was a mistake and tried to recover by saying, "Well, that could just be the shirt you're wearing; it looks a little small." The fumes were beginning to pour out while my mouth kept going. "You actually kind of look like you're wearing a wig," I said trying to fill in the hole. I am not sure what I thought that would accomplish, but I went for it. The anger level was now at a 7 and I didn't know what to do. So I continued to laugh hoping she would start laughing. Unfortunately that time never came and I had to issue an apology for the next 20 minutes.

I really didn't try to hurt her feelings. I honestly laughed out of surprise and then thought I could continue laughing to make the situation better. I actually like her hair, but she's insisting that I could have expressed it better than I did with the laughing, the stomach comment and the wig comment.

My suggestion: When in doubt, don't laugh, unless it is at yourself. And even then, I suggest thinking of another alternative. And stop talking when you have no clue what you are saying.

A Decision Has Been Made

The votes are in, and it looks like Nancy has quite a bit of support. I appreciate the input you have all provided and have "used the results to make my decision."

I am happy to announce that Nan will be the proud owner of a Treo. She justified the need and proved that this will be beneficial to the family. I am also happy to announce that she will be enrolled in a cell phone plan. We are still negotiating the exact plan.

Alas, she was unable to justify a data plan and will not have that luxury, because that is what I deemed it--a luxury. She had some arguments, but they were weak at best.

Congratulations to Nancy!

Read the original Treo proposal, and Nancy's follow-up argument.

Battle Wounds and Lessons Learned

I thought I would share a few pictures of the injuries now that it has been a week since my battle with the tree stump.

Outside of Right Thigh

This is where the initial impact was

...But for some reason the biggest bruises are on the inside of my leg

Inside of Right Thigh

Right Arm

The doctor recommended that I use crutches, but I couldn't take it, so I was told by the doctor to use a cane. Here is a photo of the cane.

The CaneI have had a lot of interesting experiences since I started using the cane.

1. Everyone tells me I am using the cane on the wrong side. I must admit that I began using the cane on my injured side. It just felt like the natural way to use it. However, Nancy looked it up and informed me that the cane should be used on the side with the good leg. This allows the weight of the body to be shifted from the injured side to the good side.
2. The amount of time given at a crosswalk is too short. I have had to cross several streets while using my cane, and I have a really hard time making it across before the light changes. I can't imagine being blind or having a disability that would make me even slower.
   
3. The cane is an excellent tool. I love using it to press buttons, hold elevator doors, steer the kids in the correct direction, and point out objects for Nancy to get.
   
4. I am feeling the physical effects of the cane. The wrist that holds the cane is starting to hurt. My good leg is starting to get sore from bearing most of the weight. My hand smells from the rubber on the handle of the cane, and it makes any food I pick up taste nasty. I have to constantly wash my hands.
   
5. Apparently, a young guy with a cane takes precedence over the elderly, young, females, etc. Old people let me though the doors first, kids get something off the shelf for me, and ladies are offering to carry my bags.
6. People stare at me. Anytime I am anywhere in public people are looking me. I imagine it is out of the ordinary to see a young guy with a cane, but I'm still surprised that I just get stared at.
   
7. People come up and ask me what's wrong. Even more surprising than being stared at is having people come up and say, "what's wrong with you?" I consider myself a pretty forward person, but I can't remember a time I've gone up to a disabled person and asked that question.
   

Having a cane isn't all that bad, even if I do look like a little disabled boy. Several months ago I predicted that I would soon have a disability, but I didn't think it would be like this.