No More Forwards!

Today my wife forwarded me an email. I opened it (first mistake) and it had the image below:

Although I think the sign is funny, it is clear that this was never actually on a sign. Yesterday Cheesesteak forwarded me an email because he thought he would get $500 from Microsoft for every person he forwarded it to. Come on, wise up. Before you forward some outrageous email, check http://www.snopes.com/ to see if it is real. This web site is really good. Oh, look what I happened to see on the same sign:

YANKEES BASEBALL!!!

I thought this would eventually happen, but was too nervous to get excited: The Yankees look like they might make it to the post season after all! Captain O'Hare and I watched part of the game at our favorite sports bar Iggy's. They have amazing nachos and buffalo wings. Good old Roger was at his best and the Yanks beat those dirty Sox 4-3.

I am happy to report that guys like Cano, Cabrera, and Abreu (Cyclops) have finally stepped up. Even mountain man Damon is doing better. The great Giambino is back and our elfkin closer was able to finish things off tonight. If things go as planned, we will be able to enjoy a few extra weeks of baseball.

In case you haven't heard, Lord Helmet is moving out here and will revel in the celebrations with us.

Cyclops (looks like he only has one eye!)

Her Fate In Your Hands

Nan has been bothering me about a phone for a long time. The thing is, she doesn't only want a phone; she wants a phone that has computing capabilities. In addition to that, she wants a phone plan that includes data (ability to send email and browse the internet). This request has been in the works for about a year. She has given me all sorts of lame excuses to explain why this is critical to her survival. At one point we talked about it being a reward if she met some type of health goal (this goal would have been determined by her and would include points based on how much she worked out, how much weight she lost, etc.)

Perhaps because of my weakened condition and because I am taking some pain medication, today she tried to talk me into the phone again. I told her to write up a proposal outlining a few things.

1. How will this benefit the family?
2. What cost savings will be realized?
3. How will a PDA/phone increase her productivity?
4. How will she measure whether this device is worth the money?

She submitted a proposal to me within 2 hours (if I could only get those results for other things like cleaning the house and doing laundry!)

Her proposal is below. I would like you, the reader, to decide whether or not she has made a good case. Perhaps she has justified a phone, perhaps a PDA, perhaps both, or perhaps neither. Please cast your vote and I will use the results to make my decision. The voting block is located on the left pane. Please only vote once. You are free to get family members or friends to vote, but you cannot vote for them. Please consider the costs of the phone and plan ($300 for the phone and $63 per month!!!) compared to the benefits outlined below. After all, this will come out of funds used to buy food and clothing for the kids:

Dear Chris:

Per your request, I am submitting a requisition form for a new communication device, specifically a Palm Treo with voice and data capabilities. Please consider the following factors and be ready to discuss the matter with me as soon as possible. Remember, a happy wife = a happy family.

Why a Cell Phone?

• Emergencies
  ­ -Roadside assistance
  ­ -Medical needs
  ­ -School, bus issues
• Convenience
  ­ -I’ll be available to others
  ­ -I can call others when I think about it, want to, need to, have extra time
• Coordination
  ­ -Making plans with you—rides, schedules, etc.
  ­ -Last minute changes (decide to do another errand, make another stop, etc.)
  ­ -Notifications (“Sorry I’m late,” “Can I drop by?” etc.)
• Long Distance
  ­ -More likely to call family members and friends

Why a PDA?

• Sanity Saving
  ­ -Have lists on hand (to-do, shopping, wishlists…)
  ­ -Have calendar on hand
  ­ -Have contact information on hand
  ­ -With the time that we invest in getting my new system up and running this week (including you so kindly taking the kids out of town for me, etc.), it would be nice if the organization/systems could actually stay in place (meaning I need access to my info).
• Time Saving
  ­ -Read & respond to emails at convenient times, instead of sitting down at the computer throughout the day.
  -Use downtime (waiting for Tommy's bus, in waiting rooms, etc.) more effectively—draft posts, write emails, proofread your homework and work documents, etc.

Why a Phone/PDA Combo?

• 2-in-1 device convenient, cost-effective
• Data Option: Live access to web, email, etc. A lot of the calendar/organizing applications I use are web-based. This would eliminate the need for me to have to plug the device into the computer and try to synchronize all my information.

$ -The Bottom Line - $ [here are the costs for her proposal]

• Phone/PDA is $300.
• Plan is $63 a month. 450 daytime minutes, Unlimited In-Calling, Nights, Weekends, Data
• We can eliminate all extra options on our home phone -$15 a month
• We can eliminate phone card and long distance calls -$15 a month (pay phone calls are now $1 each!)

Improvements You Will See

• I will know what is going on, what needs to be done, and what I am doing
• I will spend considerably less time in the chair in front of the computer
• I will not put things off, since I won’t have to wait to get upstairs to the computer
• I will enjoy keeping track of things, and getting things done

And finally, a few quotes from productivity guru David Allen:
“I’ve seen people go from resisting to actually enjoying sorting through their stacks once their personal filing system is set up and humming.” and, "I've done some of my best planning and updating for myself when I simply wanted some excuse to use (i.e., play with) my Palm organizer while waiting for dinner in a restaurant."

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Your loving wife, Nancy

UPDATE: Check out Nancy's response to this post.

DAMAGE!

On Saturday Nan and I went boating at Jordanelle State Park (near Park City) with some friends. We had a lot of fun on a 3-man tube behind the boat.

We were about to leave, but decided to go back out for 30 more minutes to try out a rope swing. We made our way to the rope, and took turns swinging down the side of the hill and into the water. Here is a video of Kurt.

On one of my turns I decided to start from higher on the hill to get more air. The pressure was on since several boats of people had gathered around to watch us, including one with several ladies. I climbed up as high as the rope would reach and launched myself. On the way down, I noticed that the end of the rope was twisted tightly around my ankle. I needed to get it loose quickly; if not, I would jump off, only to end up dangling by my foot and crashing back into the land. I let go of the rope with one arm and tried to get my foot out. After three quick attempts, I realized I wouldn't be free in time. I was careening back toward the land, headed straight for a huge stump (pictured at the bottom left of the video screenshot above). I curled up in a ball to protect my side and smashed into the stump with a loud thud. My right side hit directly--mainly my right arm, ribs, and thigh. I then bounced back over the water and dropped in. Fortunately, by now my foot had somehow been untangled. As I surfaced in the water, I saw lights, and felt a bit dizzy. I was in serious pain.

Here is the video of my attempt. You can see me trying to untangle my foot. Unfortunately, Nan was the one taping, so as soon as the trouble started, she panicked and moved the camera away to get a better look herself. When the picture goes bad, you will hear her worried voice; then just listen closely for the thud. (If you want to see the stump that I hit, look again at Kurt's video above.)

I dog paddled to the shallow water and was met by worried onlookers. I stayed in the water for a minute and then slowly got out. I think the adrenaline was in high gear because I was able to walk--sort of, although I was already feeling pretty bad pain in my legs and ribs . Four ladies on a nearby boat jumped in the water and swam over, calling out that they were nurses. They made sure that I sat still for a few minutes, but they didn't find anything life-threatening. The ride back in the boat was terrible as the pain became apparent. We got to the shore, Nan ran to the car, and I hobbled in, and we drove back to Salt Lake. Nan's biggest concern was that she had not captured it all on video for her blog. Mine was that we were going to end up owing extra money for our babysitter. Speaking of money, I made sure we went to an Instacare Facility instead of an Emergency Room.

They did a few tests and x-rays, but found nothing obvious. On the way home the doctor called and said she found blood in my urine sample. That--and the fact that I could not put any weight on my leg--concerned me enough that a few hours later I went to the ER so they could do a CT scan. Nan came with me and we listened to Harry Potter. The doctor thought I broke my pelvis since I couldn't stand on it, but all the tests came back fine. The blood was gone, and I was able to come home.

Before I left the hospital the doctor told me for a few days it would feel like I was in a car wreck. Well, he was right. I woke up with a throbbing headache, my ribs hurt as did my legs, arms, back, and neck. I smashed into the log on my right side, so that's where most of the pain is. I can move all of my limbs, but can't put any pressure on my leg still. The doctor is concerned about this and said I would need an MRI if I still can't stand by Tuesday. I'm hoping it gets better by then. Nan's still just sad about the video not turning out, since it would have driven up the blog stats.

Wife Advice: What Might Have Been

I am not sure if there is scientific evidence to support the idea that women are better writers than men, but this is my belief. I think most guys have had their wives look over a paper for school or an email for work. Before you do that, you should always consider this next piece of wife advice.

Lesson 5: Don't ask your wife to proofread the paper you just wrote if it includes "fabricated" material about her.

We had been married a couple years and were both undergrads. One semester I needed a few more credits to fill out my schedule, so I signed up for a marriage prep class. You can form your own opinion about how much I learned in this class. One of our assignments was to go on a date, during which we were to practice some communication skills we had learned during the class.

I wrote up a paper for the assignment, and asked my wife to proofread it before I turned it in. Unfortunately, I can't find the actual document to include here, but it went something like this:

I planned a romantic picnic in the mountains. We hiked up the trail and stopped toward the top of the mountain at a big flat rock. It was a gorgeous evening with a nice breeze. I spread out the blanket and arranged the food I had prepared. We enjoyed a nice dinner overlooking the valley. I expressed my feelings for her and we enjoyed a lengthy conversation. We discussed the different communication styles we have and how they compliment each other and how they might cause communication problems. We identified several areas we want to improve on and several areas that we want to continue.

Are you shocked yet, imagining a donkey like me pulling off a date like that? So was my wife. Especially when she was reading my paper and wondering why she didn't recollect anything I was talking about. Yep. All made up. I think I remembered about the assignment the night before, so I just tried to describe a date she might like. I also considered the communication problems we were having and wrote a little about that. Although we hadn't actually discussed it, I think I was probably on the right track. After my wife finished proofreading my paper, she came into the other room where I was watching tv. I could tell something was wrong, but really had no idea what it was.

"So, the last date I remember us having was you falling asleep during a movie that we had rented, after eating frozen burritos for dinner." She went on to explain how frustrating it was that I had made up this date, including an entire heart-to-heart conversation. I asked if she would have liked the date. She said yes. I then asked if the conversation would have gone the way I had described. She confirmed that it probably would have. I asked if the solutions I proposed sounded accurate. Once again she said yes. "So what is the problem?" I asked. She went on and on about the fact that I never take her out on dates and that we never have any meaningful conversations. To diffuse the situation, I suggested that I write more fictitious stories that she could read. She didn't find this amusing, so I just asked if she was finished correcting my paper. She said yes and left the room.

I got an 'A' on the paper and the teacher wrote something like, "Sounds like you guys really learned a lot about your communication styles!" I think we did.

Giants in NJ

A while ago I lamented the fact that I will soon be classified as having a disability because the average height of the U.S. male is increasing all the time. I also mentioned that I feel even more out of place here in Utah since they are breeding giants, especially the women. Well, while in NJ I also ran into giants. Here is a photo with me, an old friend Eileen, and some of my brothers. As you can see, she towers over me! I guess I can't say that there are giants everywhere; I must admit that I am a midget no matter where I am. Maybe moving to Asia will help my self esteem?

A Most Unusual Request

Yesterday I wished I owned one of these Mangroomers. Don Prickles stopped by and asked me to shave his back before he went in for his treatment! I honestly felt sick at the request, but I obliged. He had me do it with a Bic razor and no shaving cream. The first few passes got a lot of hair, but then the razor stopped working. I think it was because I had to rinse the razor off and then got water everywhere. The blade just glided over the prickles like oil on water. I couldn't believe it. The only other explanation is that the prickles were so coarse that the blade was rendered ineffective. I know that others of you have shaved the beast's back, and I feel for you. For those who haven't yet had the opportunity, avoid it. Just say no!

A Cruel Joke

On Saturday, Pizza Man decided to play a trick on me. His accomplices included Don Prickles, Cheesesteak, and Elvis. Don called to tell me that he had some juicy gossip he wanted sell.

This is a common practice in my family. Information about other family members and friends is traded for other information. The person initiating the trade will give the other person a sense of how valuable the gossip is. "News of the day," "News of the week," or "News of the year" are all possible values. The person then decides if this gossip is worth it. Also, information can be shared freely during hot tub confessionals.

When Don called he told me it was "News of the Century," so of course I was all in. He then told me that he wasn't sure if I had anything worth that much. I assured him that I did. He gave me a few hints to get me excited and then told me I had to negotiate with Pizza Man. I called Pizza Man and he told me that the news was about a family member and that it was somewhat disturbing. After a lot of detective work, I discovered that the info was about Elvis. I had spent almost 2 hours up to this point collecting all of my information.

I then called Elvis and tricked him into confessing that there was indeed some gossip about him. He seemed upset, so I asked if I should just drop it. He said yes, so I did. I was disappointed, but thought I should respect his wishes. Don called about 30 minutes later and said he had to just tell me. He then explained how Elvis had gotten into a lot of trouble gambling. He told me that Elvis was $40,000 in debt. I immediately felt sick, and then Pizza Man came on the phone and said Elvis's wife would leave him if he didn't quit gambling. Don then got back on and said Elvis was going one more time to win the Big Kahuna. He then said I had to call him and talk him out of it.

As I thought about this, visions of me flying out there and confronting some goombas entered my mind. Could I talk them into cutting the debt in half? Maybe a few threats? How many people could I get behind me? I called the King and he said it was true and that he met these guys who operated a gambling ring. He was up $18,000 before losing it all and getting $40,000 under. I felt sick again and asked him to explain how this happened. At this point his story started to sound strange. Finally, he laughed and said he couldn't do it anymore. He admitted that it was all a joke.

I was relieved, but annoyed at the same time since I spent almost 3 hours trying to figure out what was going on. They all called and laughed. It was a good joke to be sure. I would have only been really upset had they obtained some of my information. They said they agreed beforehand that obtaining information in that manor would violate international gossip laws. I am glad to report that they still had some scruples left. Anyway, I have to get even and welcome any ideas. Please don't suggest anything about toupees, shaving hair, or the like, because it has all been done before.

Pirate Sighting at KFC

Today we went to the KFC drive-thru, and I placed an order. I was shocked as I drove up to the window and saw the worker wearing an eye patch. While he was processing the order, I decided to point out to Tommy that a pirate was working at KFC. I yelled, "Tommy, look! A pirate at the drive-thru!" He looked at the man in awe, as I laughed to myself. Nancy didn't find this funny at all and tried to explain to Tommy that the man must have been hurt somehow and that he wasn't a pirate. Then she started explaining the purpose of an eye patch. Come on! I guess she needs to tell him about Santa next.

Wife Advice: Sorry For Being Sorry

I think most of us guys have a hard time saying "I'm sorry" to our wives when we make mistakes. We get a little of that male bravado inhibiting our sensitive sides. And even if we do utter these words, sometimes the apology is not accepted. Perhaps you were insincere. Perhaps your words or actions were too egregious for a quick "I'm sorry." With this foundation, I offer you this installment of Wife Advice.

Lesson 4: Being sorry that you got yourself into a bad situation doesn't count as "Being Sorry."

As you might guess, I am frequently getting myself into all sorts of trouble with my wife. For instance, I recall not too long ago pointing out that she had spilled food on her shirt while eating. I said something about wanting a dainty wife--one who wouldn't drop food all over the place all the time. She seemed shocked by my statement, and I received a sharp, well-deserved rebuke. I knew I was in trouble, and quickly entered the first stage of seeking forgiveness: recognizing that an apology was in order. This alone was an accomplishment for me, but I was even able to take it to the second stage: issuing an apology. Unfortunately, in the meantime I was feeling annoyed that I was getting in trouble despite the fact that I wasn't the one spilling food. I gave a quick sorry and continued with my business. It's possible that I also gave a little chuckle about what I had said. She exclaimed, "Don't say sorry if you aren't actually sorry."

I told that I was sorry. Again quite insincere, but I thought maybe she would be pacified. Incorrect. She continued to explain that saying sorry to smooth things over is worse than not saying sorry at all.

WARNING: You might be tempted to not say sorry anymore based on that last statement, but this is a trap. Don't fall in. They really want you to say sorry.

Anyway, I felt cornered because she was right; I really wasn't that sorry for telling her that spilling food wasn't dainty. But then I realized that I was actually sorry. I said, "Listen, I really am sorry. I am sorry that I am in this situation. I am sorry that I am being yelled at. I am sorry that I saw you spill your food on yourself."

I had managed to say sorry and mean it: Victory! Or so I thought. I was being completely honest in my sorry statements, but again, this did not go over well. She said, "Don't be ridiculous. You didn't mean that at first. Plus, I don't want to hear that you are sorry that you got yourself into trouble; I want to hear that you feel sorrow for what you did that hurt my feelings."

I thought about it and still thought that I had a good case, but resigned myself to provide an almost sincere apology and move into the third stage of seeking forgiveness: providing a hug. This appeased her and she proceeded to clean the food off her face, shirt, and couch.

My suggestion: Resist the urge to say that you are sorry when the only remorse you feel is for the situation you have gotten yourself into. That doesn't count as being sorry. And if you do make that mistake, be sure to say sorry.