The Enemy is Calling

Over the past several years the Clark Army has been through several vicious battles. Although we have been successful most of the time, our last battle was truly humiliating. We enlisted inexperienced soldiers who "bit off more than they could chew." Some vowed to return to battle. Others went their separate ways and just don't know what to do. General Cactus suffers from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and has left the army indefinitely.

(Recently taken photo of General Cactus with PTSD)

That is all about to change. I just received word that the enemy is preparing a sneak attack in July on the East coast. Intelligence says that this shouldn't be a major assault like the last one, but it will be significant. I am calling all soldiers to prepare for battle. Early figures show around 18 enemy units. Best case estimates show that our army should have about 7 soldiers to stave off these units. It won't be easy. We will likely suffer casualties. But we will prevail. The battle may be hard, and you may look like General Cactus (above) after the battle, but we need your support. Please respond and indicate if you plan on supporting the army.

Favorite Albums

The other day I was looking for music to play while I was working. I found a site that had top songs from 90s. I got so excited and began to think of my favorite ones. As a tribute to good music, I will list my favorite albums in order. These typically had multiple hits. and I still listen to them frequently. I rated them high if I could listen to the whole album without skipping any of the songs.

1. Nevermind: Nirvana - Obviously the greatest album ever (unless you are a hippy and like that 60s and 70s crap). How could it not be #1? With songs like Smells Like Teen Spirit, Lithium, Come As You Are, In Bloom, Something In The Way, and my favorite Nirvana song Lounge Act, this album deserves to be numero uno.
   
2. Ten: Bush - They have had so many good songs, but Ten captured 4 of my favorites. Even the tracks that weren't on the radio were amazing. Plus, Cheesesteak did some karaoke to Come Down when he got hypnotized at the comedy club. Stick to your day job buddy. Oh wait, you don't have one.
   
3. Thowing Copper: Live - I remember the day I first saw a Live video. It was I Alone, and from that moment on I have been hooked. This album has a ton of great songs. You can easily listen to every song on the album without getting bored. There is a little language on a couple songs, but it is still a good one. Plus, there is a song about Kurt Cobain.
   
4. Metallica (Black Album): Metallica - One day when I went to the music store I was looking at the Billboard Top 200 list and there was an album that stood out. The Black Album had been on the charts for over 200 weeks! As Brian Fellows said, "That's crazy!" Die hard Metallica fans didn't like the album, but a regular Joe like me loved it. I still go wild at the gym every time Enter Sandman comes on or when it is played when Mo Rivera comes out to close a game.
   
5. Weezer (Blue Album): Weezer - When we (group of high school friends) worked at Boston Chicken, Weezer hit it big. The first song I heard was Undone - The Sweater Song. It was so ridiculous that I liked it. Then came Buddy Holly. I actually hate that song, but the rest of the album is so good, it made up for it. They have had a few good songs since, but nothing compared to this compilation.
6. Dookie: Green Day - I was pushing carts at Pathmark when a kid from my high school pulled up listening to Longview. That is probably the best drum intro I have ever heard. I fought against liking them for years since my girlfriend at the time loved them, and I guess I wanted to bother her. Over time though, I realized that this album is one of the best. My favorite song is When I Come Around.
7. MTV Unplugged in NY: Nirvana - I struggled with putting another Nirvana album on the list, but I just had to. I really could have put any up, but I love this one. A lot of people hate Nirvana and say that Kurt couldn't sing, but this live session puts the naysayers to rest.
   
8. Immaculate Collection: Madonna - That's right, I did it. Call me a saucy sailor, but I must admit that this collection is immaculate. My mom would play Madonna every day when we drove to work together at Nordstrom's. Of course any greatest hits album will be "great," but I think this is one of the best. Like a Prayer is my favorite Madonna song on this one.
   
9. Camp Grenada: Gren - Purchasing this album was a complete mishap. My girlfriend and I were looking for a cd. I can't remember which one, but we happened to pick this up and saw a song called Pop Songs. "Pop" was our pet name for each other, so we got it. It ended up being one of my favorite albums ever and has a ton of amazing songs. I can listen to the whole thing without skipping a song. I don't think they were ever famous, so you probably never heard of them unless you knew me personally.
   
10. Running With Scissors: "Weird Al" Yankovic - I could have put any "Weird Al" album on this list, but I chose this one because it has a great polka and the Jerry Springer song, which is hilarious. I love "Weird Al" and have been to several of his concerts. We will be attending the one out here in September.
    
11. Tragic Kingdom: No Doubt - She might be Just a Girl, but Gwen can sing. There were a ton of hits of this record, but Just a Girl was my favorite. I also like her because she is married to Gavin from Bush.
12. Superunknown: Soundgarden - Although they broke up some time ago, Soundgarden is still one of my favorite bands. Chris Cornell has a great voice, and this cd had a couple of big hits. My favorites are Spoonman and Fell On Black Days. Chris has done solo stuff and of course fronts Audioslave.
    
13. (What's the Story) Morning Glory: Oasis - I am not really a fan of this kind of music, but there was something about this album that I really liked. Maybe it was because I went to London and heard about them all the time since they are British? I don't know. I can only say that I saw their Unplugged session and it was hilarious when the brothers were yelling at each other.

I didn't know how many I would put on this list, and I could have probably listed a few others before these, but this is the list for now. All of them ended up being from the 90s. I guess that makes sense since that is when I listened to the most music. Hopefully this was a little nostalgic for some of you.

Wife Advice

I think it is important for me to share the wisdom and insight I have about marriage. I will regularly provide advice and knowledge on the topic of marriage for all those who could use a little help. The information I provide is free. Although it should not be taken as authoritative doctrine, it is based on years of real-life research. Use my advice wisely and avoid the mistakes I have made.

I've been told that "Husband Advice" would be a more appropriate title. But "Wife Advice " sounds funnier and is short for: "How Not to Treat Your Wife Advice"

Lesson 1: Don't rate your wife, especially if you plan on giving her something other than a 10.

This a mistake I made on our honeymoon. My wife asked what I would rate her on a scale from 1-10. I thought for a minute and gave her a 6. This seemed completely reasonable to me. As I reveled in my honest and accurate assessment, I noticed that her face was sort of clenched like she was trying to survive a skunk attack from 3 feet away. She finally exclaimed, "A 6! You think I am a 6? Why did you marry me?"

I proceeded to explain that a 6 is good because a 5 is average. I certainly wouldn't give anyone a 10 because that is unattainable. I told her that I honestly didn't know if I had every met a 9, so really the bar is starting at an 8. This didn't make her any happier. I then explained that I am a 6 and that we are a pretty good match. This made her even madder. I then began to rate her on things like "Motherly qualities" and "Dependability." Things got worse. I didn't know what to do. She then asked me to rate other people we knew. So I started rattling off numbers, "7, 4, 8, 6, 8, 3." This didn't help at all. It has been 8 years, and I still hear about the time I gave her a 6. I should note that last year I bumped her up to a 7. It seems to me that wives are like cheese, wine, and investments; they grow and typically get better with age.

You might think, "What a fool, why didn't he just give her a 10?" My friends, I am an honest person and want to be a straight shooter. Besides, wives know you are lying when you give them a 10. You just get in trouble for lying at that point. But I must admit that it is probably better than being honest.

I apologize to those of you who could have benefited from reading this earlier.

My suggestion: For those who haven't been asked yet, you now know what to do: Avoid the question at all costs!

Look for the next installment of Wife Advice.

Bleacher Creature: He's baaaaaaaaack

This past Saturday I had 2 softball games scheduled. I didn't want to go alone, so I called up the Bleacher Creature. He was sleeping of course since it was only 9 am. The game started at 10 am, so I decided to go to his house and get him out of bed. I first snuggled up to him without him noticing. He woke and and got mad, but after some convincing we were off to the game.

We got to the field and the sun was out. Bleacher Creature indicated that he did not want to play at all. He would just sit and watch. We found out we only needed to play one game since one team forfeited. I told the Creature to go sit in the shade since he has such milky white skin. He said he would be fine and just sat there. The field was wide open on the side he was sitting on. I looked over during the game and noticed a shadow from one of the field light poles. In the middle of the shadow I noticed Bleacher Creature curled up in the fetal position trying to find respite from the sun.

I wish I had a camera, but I didn't. You will have to just imagine how funny it was. We got home and he was crying about his legs hurting. I couldn't stop laughing because it turns out that he got a nasty burn. It actually looks like red paint got smeared on him. I guess the lamp post shade isn't as good as the bleacher shade.

Just in case you were wondering, Bleacher Creature got his name during a game of home run derby several years ago. Everyone was playing, but him. He got really hot and ran under the bleachers for shade. No one could find him. Just when people were getting nervous, Homer J noticed a pair of monkey eyes under the bleachers. At that moment the name Bleacher Creature was dubbed to our shadow-dwelling friend. Bleacher Creature, Bleacher Creature!

Gump Gone Wild

Watch out Subway patrons. Gump just started his new job at Subway making subs. He will be making subs and cleaning the store. He had been looking for a new job for several weeks without success. But thanks to some loving intervention, he has landed the job. The process is below:

• Doug, Gump, Cactus Jack, and Jared the Beefcake went to Subway for dinner.
  
• Doug asked if the sandwich boy if they were hiring. Sandwich boy said yes.
• Doug then asked for an application.
• Gump got mad and said he can ask questions for himself.
• Sandwich boy laughed.
• Gump got wild.
• Beefcake then filled out the application for Gump.
• Gump got wild.
• Gump turned the application in.
• Saucy manager said he would put in a good word for Gump.
• Gump got wild.
• A few days later the store manager called.
• Gump went in for an interview.
• Manager said to Gump, "So, you state here on your application that you left your previous job in New Jersey for Subway. What does that mean?"
• Gump had no response since Beefcake filled out the application for him and put it on as a joke.
• Gump got wild and embarrassed.
• Gump got the job a few days later.

When asked about his new job, Gump said, "I didn't need no help. I coulda done that on my own."

SURE BUDDY!